A few weeks ago, Husband was on furlough from his job and both kids were at school, so we took that opportunity to go out for Indian buffet at a restaurant that shan’t be named but which was less delicious and far filthier than I remember. As we were talking and shoveling large quantities of mediocre-but-still-somehow-enticing food down our gullets, Husband mentioned how much he loves to swim. Which goes to show that it’s never too late to learn something new about your spouse.
Me: You love to swim?
Him: Yes.
Me: Really?
Him: Of course.
Me: Oh. I didn’t know that.
Him: What are you talking about? I swim all the time.
Me: I can’t remember the last time I saw you swim. In fact, in all the years I’ve known you, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you swim. Do you know how to swim?
Him: That’s completely ridiculous. We go to the beach all the time.
Me: Yeah, on the bay side where the tidal pools are up to your knees. I don’t think that counts as swimming.
Him: We go to lakes and ponds sometimes, too.
Me: Yes, with the kids. I know. But your feet are touching the bottom.
Him: So.
Me: So that’s not swimming.
Him: I know how to swim. If you brought me to a pool right now I could easily float for an hour and half. You can time me.
Me: Float?
Him: Yes.
Me: That’s not swimming, either.
Him: What do you mean that’s not swimming? It’s not drowning.
Me: But you’re not even moving.
Him: I’m not sinking…
Me: So when people say, “Hey, let’s go swimming,” you imagine everyone cannon-balling in and doing the dead man’s float?
Him: Or whatever they wanted. What’s your idea of recreational swimming? Doing laps? That, um, sounds fun.
Me: Well, treading water, at least.
Him: I consider swimming to be anything that’s not drowning. Having water cover most of my body, but not my air holes.
Me: (spitting out my chicken tikka masala) Well, that covers a lot of ground. Does a bath count?
Him: Okay, since you’re such a good swimmer, why don’t you tell your readers about the time you were a camp counselor at the Y and got fired for getting drunk in the locker room before teaching swimming lessons.
Me: That’s not what happened AT ALL. I didn’t even teach swimming lessons.
God, doesn’t anyone fact-check these posts?
Me: Spitting out my coffee. Thanks for the laugh.
Posted by: aimee | October 27, 2009 at 04:31 PM
You just made me laugh so loud in my very quiet office. People will be staring at me the rest of the day. I could just hear that conversation...."What are you talking about? I swim all the time." LOL
Posted by: Karen | October 27, 2009 at 04:37 PM
HA!
Posted by: Adrienne | October 27, 2009 at 04:40 PM
You guys are hilarious.
Posted by: Sam | October 27, 2009 at 04:48 PM
I am an excellent swimmer.
Posted by: Husband | October 27, 2009 at 06:03 PM
your husband might classify me as gold medal material. have done the crawl stroke or been in pool since 1998.
Posted by: maybelles mom | October 27, 2009 at 07:37 PM
thanks for sharing this! so funny. i pretty much stand around in the water unless no one else is around and then i do underwater flips.
Posted by: Allison | October 27, 2009 at 07:46 PM
Bwahahahahaah! Oh, that's too good.
Posted by: Lina Kirkwood | October 27, 2009 at 09:14 PM
Are you sure you even know his real name?
Posted by: Amy | October 27, 2009 at 10:28 PM
Your friends must love when you invite them over so they can witness first hand the very funny banter you two have!
Posted by: Seaweed Snacks | October 28, 2009 at 01:22 AM
I am laughing my head off. In my (limited!) experience, marriage is full of this type of discovery about how ones partner interprets things too. You just have to go with it!
Posted by: Kalyn | October 28, 2009 at 02:41 AM
That was absolutely hysterical!
Posted by: Chris | October 28, 2009 at 09:55 AM
Irrefutable video evidence - I think you can tell which one is me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5mcONtwdwo
Posted by: Husband Swims! | October 28, 2009 at 10:15 AM
Hey, are you gonna eat that chicken tikka masala?
Posted by: Barry Foy | October 29, 2009 at 10:09 AM
Barry: It's all yours. If you can pass a simple swimming test I've set up.
Husband: The one with the life jacket?
Chris: Glad you thought so!
Kalyn: It's true! And it's much better when you both end up in stitches over it rather than full of vicious anger. We're about 50/50 on that.
Seaweed Snacks: Unfortunately, the banter doesn't end up like that too often. Husband is much funnier than I am in real life, and it's hard to keep up.
Amy: Now that you mention it...No.
Lina: *Husband takes a bow*
Allison: Underwater flips definitely count as swimming since you're moving and underwater. Which reminds me--those are really fun!!
maybelles mom: Heck, I'll classify you as gold medal material. I may know how to swim, but I'm no Phelps.
Husband: Someday, I hope to bear witness to this.
Sam, Adrienne, Karen, Amy: So glad you enjoyed. Husbands--can't swim with them, can't swim without them!
Posted by: Tammy | October 30, 2009 at 10:07 AM
I swim at the beach too. Especially when the the bathrooms are really far way.
Posted by: Lulu | October 31, 2009 at 04:44 PM
Does a bath count? HAHAHA! Cracking up over here...
Posted by: geek+nerd | November 01, 2009 at 02:06 PM