Sunshine

I still haven’t rebounded from that final chemo hit, yet, but even through the hazy glare of the drugs, and the drugs for the drugs, and the drugs for the drugs for the drugs, I’m starting to see the sunshine again, and it’s a nice, cool, dry kind of sunshine, not the sticky, gross kind that makes you want to throw up.  So Amen.

A variety of emotions keep rolling through here, like turbulent Midwestern weather, but mostly what I’m feeling right now is immense gratitude.  For all of the usual people in my life who kept on doing the usual things in their usual gracious ways so reliably, and then did a whole bunch more things on top of that.  I have you all to thank more personally and I will.  It may take the better part of the next decade to do it right, but I have plans. 

I also want to thank you, my readers, because even though I can’t see most of you, every once in a while someone will come up to me and introduce themselves, maybe give me a big hug, and it’s a little bit like magic.  Like we share a little secret garden between us (except you’re the one doing all the weeding while I sneak around stealing carrots and nibbling on the basil plants).  It’s given me a lot to think about in terms of the importance of community in our lives and the changing ways we define it.  So, thanks for sticking it out through the messy stuff, including, but not limited to, The Constipation Series, Parts One Through Infinity.

Anyway, my treatment continues for another year, but I expect I’m through the worst of it.  I’m very much looking forward to the day when cancer doesn’t show up in every post I write.  My doctors tell me it won’t always define me, but I suspect that it will for a little while.  I still have a few more things to say about it, but I hope to regain my focus over the coming weeks on what has been, and will likely continue to be, such an important part of the recovery process: good food.  Because, when all is said and done, all that vomiting really works up an appetite.

Cheers!

Comments

[danish]

Listen, lady. Just keep writing. I feel privileged that you are sharing your story with us. I kinda don't care what the subject matter is! (well, the vomit, not so much, but its all good.) I'm glad you are seeing the sunshine now. Hope it is a great, peaceful fall for you, and that you feel yourself again soon.

Hugs.
Dana

[Amy]

I echo Dana's thoughts. And will add this: whenever a post from you pops up in my Google Reader, I get all excited and everyone else takes a back seat. I have NEVER once thought, "oh god, I hope she doesn't write about cancer again."

I am thrilled you have kept your wits about you through this tremendous ordeal and can only hope it's all uphill from here.

You are a gem. Rare and special.

[Free]

You are a ray of sunshine yourself, that keeps shining through gray skies.

all my love to you and your family. Big Hug

[Wouter]

Generally, in blogs, it's the blogger who maintain the garden and the visitors who come in and cr*p over everything.

You have nice readers :-)

My Father in Law beat throat cancer 30 years ago, and it never comes up in conversation. So it's possible, and a worthy goal.

Hang in there.

[Alana]

You are a superhero. Thanks for being so great. And I hope the appetite continues to increase....

[houllie]

Congratulations, Tammy, you did the whole nasty part - and you are sending us sunshine right now. I am so happy to hear that you feel better! You are a very special writer and person which makes it difficult to accept that you had to suffer. But this chapter is closed now. So, there we go for a new one and we also know that on occasion the c-word will be part of it. But that's your life! Thank you for sharing in such a human way! You are the best!

[Cindy]

ditto what everyone else said....and in terms of food - what's the recipe for that delicious looking quiche? I'm in a quiche mood these days - over the past month have tried about 5 different receipes in the quest for the perfect one....always have trusted your wise opinion!

[NurseJen]

Let's hear it for my two favorite coping mechanisms: good food and sick humor!

Now, what's that wrap-thingie you have pictured there, and is that quiche...?

(You really are an amazing woman. Keep fighting.)

[Judy (aka The CSA Hugger)]

:-)

[April in CT]

I'll keep it simple because this is what I say best: *hugs* :o)

[Karen @ Mignardise]

So glad you're through the worst of it!

[Non-Bacon Tammy]

You're doing great and it's a pleasure to SHARE this experience with YOU.... even through the poop-capades. One of these days, when you are feeling better, we need to reschedule our food blogger dinner and finally meet up!

Hang in there and congrats on getting through the (hopefully) worst of it.

xxoo,
The 'other' Tammy

[adele]

I can't say much that hasn't already been said - I look forward to your updates, even the ones about vomit. I am very glad that you're feeling better. :)

[Calamity Jane]

what's with all these people? the vomit and poop-capades are the best part! your blog was great before, but now it's absolutely brilliant. in making (truly funny) jokes about cancer, you prove yourself bonafide!
also, you really make you real.
congrats on being mine (and i see other's) favorite blog.

[Charlie]

Wow, that food looks good. Very glad to hear you're enjoying it again, and are over the worst. Best of luck with the coming year. You can steal carrots, lick the basil, and poop (or not) on the potatoes as much as you like. I'm just very happy you let us into your garden. xxx

[cookiecrumb]

Ah, little orbs of sunshine on your plate. Bon appetit, and hugs to you!

[Kasumi]

I'm glad to have the opportunity to share your experience with you. Glad to be able to share it with a friend who just recently had a double mastectomy (at 34) and is in the throes of chemo. Glad that even though the subject matter sucks, you express yourself with humor & sarcasm, not self-pity & doubt. Mostly though, I'm glad to have met you (that post about Husband and the mason jar still gives me the giggles).

[Tammy]

Kasumi: Thank you. That's not to say there hasn't been plenty of self-pity and doubt going on behind the scenes, but it's nice to have a place to escape all that when I need to. Give my best to your friend--it's no picnic.

CC: And to you. I hope to catch up on all my blogs soon.

Charlie: Surprisingly, my appetite has been pretty good for most of this. Still, I think I'm going to be enjoying everything more in a week or two. Thanks for your nice comment.

Calamity Jane: Thanks for that! It's nice to know my readers won't abandon me at the first sign of trouble.

adele: Thank you, loyal one. I have high hopes that this will be the week I feel truly better and not just kinda better-ish.

Non-Bacon Tammy: I look forward to that. It would be nice to finally meet!

Karen: Me, too. May I never have to go through it again.

April in CT: Hugs to you, too.

Judy: Thanks for making my day! Hope to see you at the farm again.

NurseJen: The wrap thingie is tuna, peppers, and onions in a brown rice wrap. Recipe is here: http://www.foodonthefood.com/food_on_the_food/2007/08/four-more-days-.html

The other thing is a frittata with sungold tomatoes, sweet corn, basil, and goat cheese. Yummy!

Cindy: Basically it was 8 eggs, 3 oz. crumbled goat cheese, half a pint of sungolds halved, corn shaved off a few cobs, and basil to your liking, mixed together, cooked in an oven-proof pan on the stovetop until firmish and then finished off in the oven to firm the top. But I'll see what I can do for you quiche-wise.

houille: Thanks so much. Ah, the next chapter. What in god's name is it going to be this time?

Alana: The only superpower I possess is super hunger, so I don't think that will be a problem!

Wouter: You're right about how it usually goes in the blogosphere. I still wonder how I ended up with such amazing and sympathetic readers, but I'm sure glad I did (it would be hard to be heckled during chemo). I'm so glad about your Father-in-Law. It's definitely a worthy goal.

Free: What a nice thing to say. Hugs to you, too.

Amy: Thank you for always brightening my day with your comments. They make me blush.

Dana: That's my hope, too: to feel myself again. I kind of forget what that feels like, but I suppose that will come back eventually. Happy Fall to you, too.