One of the side effects of chemo that I wasn’t prepared for (or maybe it’s the anti-nausea meds) is the firestorm in my brain at night. I wake up at 2 in the morning, my mind racing, and I can’t get back to sleep for all the static cluttering up my brain. Me, who can sleep anywhere, anytime. I don’t have much experience with mind-altering drugs, but it seems a lot like speed. Or perhaps a mild panic attack. I’ll just be lying there trying to relax and within moments I’ve levitated three inches off the bed, making a whirring sound like a crazed but paralyzed moth.
Husband: (half-asleep) Go take an Ativan. That’s what they’re for.
Me: No. Everything’s fine.
Brain: Beepbeepbwopmmmmbwopbeepboopboopbeepbeepboop...
Me: (Toss. Turn. Reposition.)
Brain: Bizzbuzzbuzzbizzbizzbizzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…crackle…
Me: Shhhhh. Quiet. I’m trying to sleep.
Brain: I’m going to get you.
Me: Pipe down.
Brain: I’m going to geeeeeeeettttt yoooouuuuuuu….
Me: In that ridiculous getup?
Brain: BOOM!! CRASH. SLAMMMMMM. SSSSSSSSS…
Me: My, what sharp, needle-y feelers you suddenly have.
Brain: Hisssssssss…spit…spit…hisssssssss…….
Me: You don’t scare me with your thousands of eyes and hairy mouthparts...
Brain: (weird licking sounds)….SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCH…
Me: Mommy!
Ixnay on the oxicitytay
Are they giving you a big dose of Benydryl? That had the buzz effect on my husband, and he was much better with a smaller dose. If not, Ativan is good! Feel better.
Posted by: Nina | August 09, 2009 at 09:47 PM
nice... Ativan made me see ducks on the ceiling. Nice, harmless ducks. Webbed feet, no tentacles, nothing needle-ey about them. Might be a decent trade-off (not that I'm a drug-pusher or anything, but... push-push?)
Posted by: NurseJen | August 09, 2009 at 10:33 PM
My 3YO has had a fever with vomiting the last 24 hours. She woke up in the middle of the night screaming, "Mommy! Get the worms off my bed!! Kill the worms! Mommmeeeee!!"
Ativan, mushrooms, Baby Tylenol. Who knew?
Posted by: Amy | August 09, 2009 at 10:54 PM
Ativan made my mother in law a little prone to seeing things. And, benedryl through a line made me a little hallucinagenic.
Posted by: maybelles mom | August 10, 2009 at 10:34 AM
Lately, Benadryl is the only thing that lets me fall asleep and stay asleep. No chemo for me, I do have that crazy menopausal thing riling my brain.
Posted by: Karen @ Mignardise | August 10, 2009 at 01:23 PM
Ooog. Since having had Cooper, I too can sleep pretty much anytime, anywhere. I don't like being awake at 2am. For any reason. And I understand you have my 5lbs of meat. I can wander my way down to pick it up any time you are feeling up to it, except for 2am.
Posted by: MidLifeMama | August 10, 2009 at 02:07 PM
I recommend Yoga Nidra meditations. They're the meditation equivalent of plugging in and recharging. They definitely get your mind to STFU.
Posted by: Jess | August 10, 2009 at 03:02 PM
Take the Ativan. They're probably giving you some kind of cortisone with the chemo, which I think is supposed to help keep down the nausea, but it also hops you up and makes it impossible to sleep (my hospital gave me Decadron). You will soon find that one of the "joys" of chemo is the medicines that you have to take to counteract the side effects of the other medicines. Just take it - honest, it will be better.
Posted by: MJ | August 10, 2009 at 03:18 PM
When I was doing oncology and HIV social work, one of the things that seemed to help my patients with insomnia, was journaling. Just keeping a pen and paper near the bed, and just writing and getting it all out--not fighting against it. I am naturally prone toward insomnia, and I drink Tension Tamer tea, stretch, and read. Fighting it just pisses me off and keeps me awake longer.
Posted by: Lorrie@ReadNEat | August 12, 2009 at 12:21 AM
Lorrie: Pen and paper is a good idea. Although I'm not sure I'd be able to read the language I wrote it in come morningtime!
MJ: You were right. I've come to embrace Ativan. My quality of life has been better since I've gotten some sleep. Decadron is one of my primary anti-nausea meds so I guess that explains it.
Jess: I think meditation is going to be a challenge for me, but I should try it one of these days.
MidLifeMama: The meat. Right. I'm on it.
Karen: Under normal circumstances, Benadryl puts me right out, too, but not in combination with the Decadron. The Decadron lets no sleep through. It's evil.
maybelle's mom: Sounds like we're all tripping this month!
Amy: Poor thing. There's nothing you can give a kid to combat feverish worm dreams except lots of kisses.
NurseJen: Ativan it is, Pusherman.
Nina: Thanks. The past few days have definitely been better, at least in that respect.
Posted by: Tammy | August 12, 2009 at 10:02 PM