After being out of school for two days and throwing up on as many stuffed animals as possible, the 7YO tested positive for the flu. He got himself a nice course of Tamiflu and it worked great. Meanwhile, I didn't have a fever, so I was convinced I was fine even though I was feeling crappier by the day. Nothing to see here. Just giving the ole immune system a workout.
By the 8th day of misery, it was clear I was not winning. I had a headache like a black hole, my face had totally liquefied, and it felt like tiny aliens were tunneling through my muscle fibers every second of eternity. But where was the fever? I had shaking chills but the mercury refused to rise above 97.4°F (no, my thermometer isn't broken—I always run cool).
I finally ended up in the doctor's office on Day 10. I don't like to be the first hypochondriac in line during flu season, but neither do I want to be the idiot who was sick for 10 days, didn't go to the doctor, and now she has pneumonia.
My real doctor was out. The one who saw me found nothing wrong beyond my flu-like symptoms.
Me: As in, *like* the flu but not?
Her: It's probably a bad cold.
Me: You're kidding, right? The pressure in my sinuses could fuse atoms.
Her: There's no fever.
Me: Did you see how bloody my sinuses were?
Her: Your sinuses weren't bloody.
Me: You're not a real doctor, are you?
Clearly I wasn't adequately conveying my level of sustained pain. I needed one of those pictorial charts with the frowny faces in varying degrees of distress so I could pick the worst one and then stab it in the forehead with a scalpel.
Me: Listen, Lady, … (grabbing her by the lapels)
Me: …gimme the Tamiflu!
Her: That's just for the flu.
Me: I HAVE THE FLU!!!!
Her: It's only effective *voice straining* when given within 72 hours on onset.
Me: 72 hours? Who the hell goes to the doctor when they've only been sick for 3 days? By then I'm still debating whether or not to take a Motrin.
Long story short, she wouldn't give me the good drugs. She could have just humored me and called it the flu as she sent me on my way, but she didn't do that, either. Diagnosis: Sniffles. As I was leaving, no joke, she recommended that I get a flu shot in a few weeks because "it's really bad this year."
Yeah. I know.
My non-fever broke on Day 12. Sweet relief is finally mine! Maybe next year I'll just get the damn shot.