And I'm Going to Eat As Many Cookies As I Want

Maybe you already heard my megaphone announcement yesterday, but the results of my MRI came back with an A++ circled in red ink.  I know they typically grade these tests pass/fail, but since “pass” doesn’t even begin to convey my feelings on the matter, I went ahead and assigned an appropriate letter grade that corresponded to my emotional state, then handed it back to them for them to hand back to me.  “Pass,” you see, implies a potentially small margin of victory, and I prefer to think of it as a more definitive blowout. 

It’s one thing to go through cancer treatment on blind faith, just assuming that it's all going along just fine.  It’s another thing entirely to have hypersensitive imaging confirm it.  It feels like they’re letting me out of prison, finally, and giving me back all of my personal belongings, and right there next to my keys and pocket lint is a little thing called my life.  Here’s your life back, Ms. Donroe.  Don’t fuck it up.

The other milestone I reached this month is that reconstruction is done.  The cherry on top, if you will.  Things are still looking a little brutalized, but I’m told everything will heal up just fine.  I can’t feel anything over there, so it’s not really a problem.  I still have three more months of intravenous Herceptin and then they can take this port out of my neck and chest.  Then, I’ll really be done.  But the hard part is over, so I’m calling it done.

I should tell you that I wear the “survivor” badge cautiously.  I am aware that the cancer could come back.  I am aware that this is a possibility and, in fact, given my young age, it’s likely that someday it will.  But a stretch of time has been presented to me during which I don’t need to worry about that.  A one-year furlough from the anxiety of all of the end-of-life-related issues, fears, and logistics—subjects you can’t easily talk about at a dinner party or a casual morning coffee with your friend if you don’t want her going off and killing herself before work.  But these morbid thoughts are a mandatory part of coming to terms with the whole experience.  And that burden was much bigger than I realized it was.  Like driving around for a whole year with the gas light on. 

Now that it’s off my shoulders, I feel so light and airy.  Should I start jogging again?  I think I should start jogging again.  Swimming?  Yeah, definitely swimming.  Lacrosse?  YES!  I’m going to do all the sports!!!

I give it a month.

[Since cookies have defined this whole ordeal, let’s close it out with more cookies.  Check out the recipe for peanut butter pretzel cookies by Hilary Koloski of Cow and Crumb Baking up at How2Heroes.  Salty and sweet, soft with crunchy bits, yin and yang.  Delicious, like life.]

Comments

[Adrienne]

What wonderful and totally cookie-worthy news!

[Carice]

Congratulations!
mmm peanut butter and pretzels, mmmm....
(looks down at lunch salad and sighs)

[Jeena]

HURRRRRRRRAYYYYYYYYYY!!!

[Karen]

YAY!!! I think you should also get extra credit.

[magnolia]

My God you are brave! Congratulations on the good reports. You have to look ahead filled with hope and thankfulness, as you are doing, and live your full life.

There is much good and you have so much to offer the world at large.

[Yet Another Pam]

COOKIEEE!

[melch]

What an uplifting post, I'm happy to hear it! Those cookies look delicious and I really want to add chocolate chips to them.

[Amy]

Heck ya, Baby! I'm going to have a cookie today in your honor. Love this.

[Kalyn]

I am so happy to hear this news. xoxo

[Rebecca]

Must delurk again to say WooHoo! As the daughter and niece of a survivor, and as someone watching a mentor and friend move past her last bought of chemo, am so so happy to hear your good news. As always, I so love your take on life, food, and life's challenges...I see so much of my own twisted take on things here. And it reminds me to laugh and let go a little when those challenges pop up in own life. We're making chocolate chip cookies right now and will raise one in a toast to your good health.

[April in CT]

AWE-SOME! :o)

[Katie]

Congratulations!! I am so stoked! Mostly for selfish reasons (I love your blog and all of your yummy recipes ;) For reals though, congrats!

[NurseJen]

Mazel tov! Now go celebrate a little with this: http://recipes.epicurean.com/recipe/19637/nipples-%20of-venus.html

OK, yes, I know it involves phrases like "bain marie" and "candy thermometer" but it seems oh-so-appropriate, and they're yummy! Brightest blessings to you on your inaugural healthy-boob post (I expect to hear from you at the five-year mark!)

[Blaine]

Amazing news! Makes me smile. Congrats!

[Sis]

Sweet! (the news... and the cookies) Love you!

[kaela]

Awesome news! I knew you would kick the ass out of cancer. Congrats!

[Maria]

Great news! Love these cookies!

[karen]

Someone beat me to the selfish comment... I'm so happy for you!! ...and for me, I get to keep reading your blog for a long, long, long time. :)

[Susanna]

That is really wonderful news, Tammy! Yay!

[Kasumi]

(doing the happy dance) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

[James]

I like it a lot.

[Sarah]

Brilliant news! So very happy for you and family. Sarah

[Alana]

Yay, hooray! Wahoo! So so so so happy...

[giovanna]

Awwww Tammy,

Fantastic news! Your blog was perfect, I especially loved the part about driving around all year with the gas light on! So funny but true. Pat yourself on the back for coming through this with grace and humor!

I once told my surgical oncologist that he was my favorite Doctor to see. He laughed at me and said not very many people say that to him. For me the MRI's were the ok that things were just fine.

oxoxo giovanna

[Kathy]

I am a couple days behind, but CONGRATS! This is awesome news.

I will be thinking about you this weekend as I have to make 150 anginettes for a baby shower because this awesome friend I have has an awesome blog where she posts awesome recipes. :-)

[Linda Watchko]

Tammy: YESSS!!! I'm so happy for your good news (insert happy face). Wanna take a Waltham walk sometime? Linda

[Karen S]

I'm a newbie to this blog and am just finishing the same ordeal beginning last July and am now trying to catch up on all the things that I missed.

The idea of eating all the cookies you want is such a joyful happy idea I'm sitting here grinning from ear to ear.

[geek+nerd]

That is amazing news! Hurray! Now go live! Yippee!

[cookiecrumb]

Contented sigh... So pleased to hear your good news. Live it up.

[Penny]

I'm so happy I almost offered to bake those cookies for you. But since I don't bake and you're all better, I'll let you bake them. But, I will bring the milk if you want to share.

Seriously, congratulations for being a strong woman and winning this round.

[E in NYC]

So glad to hear the good news! I look forward to reading, and enjoying, your blog for a long, long time.

[houllie]

I am a little late - but so happy to hear those good news! Congratulations! I would love to send you some cookies!

[Cindy (your Canuck fan)]

Yeeeaaahhhh!!! Awesome news - so happy you're back in full force! Looking forward to many many more recipes...