Boooooooooobs!

It’s very convenient that breasts are food-related. That way, when I feel like talking about mine, which is pretty much never, I can do so without breaking theme. In fact, this blog could have been 100% boobs all the time and no one could convict me of exploiting the female form. I really feel I’ve missed out on an important marketing opportunity, not to mention a chance to really connect with my male readership.

I only bring this up because I go for reconstructive surgery tomorrow and posting may be spotty for the next week. In layman’s terms, that means boob job. Yes, I know I’ve made fun of boob jobs several times on this blog that I can recall. Have you noticed that every time I make a joke about something, I then have to go and eat my words in a very humbling fashion? It’s almost like somebody’s trying to teach me a lesson. But that somebody is going to be very distracted from their lesson-teaching when they get a load of my giant new boob!!!

Just kidding. It’s not going to be giant (despite Husband’s enthusiastic lobbying). What the hell am I going to do with one giant boob? Sounds like an awful lot of unwanted attention if you ask me. I know the jury is still out on the long-term health implications of breast implants, and I don’t really consider them to be a fabulous idea, but do you know what I like even less? The constant reminder of cancer. What can I say? Life is just a series of justifications for your hypocritical behavior.

So, to welcome my new bionic boob, I made cookies. Special, celebratory cookies.

The nipples, of course, are optional.

This is a great cookie recipe I pulled from Molly Wizenberg’s A Homemade Life. It’s easy enough for kids to make, it rolls out perfectly for cookie cutters of all shapes and sizes, and the resulting buttery, shortbread-like texture is quite satisfying for all ages. The cream cheese frosting is barely cherry-scented with kirsch, and two drops of red food coloring give it the palest hint of pink, making it perfect for Valentine’s Day. Or, if you’re not the frosting type, roll out the cookies thinner, and sandwich a layer of dulce de leche in between for Argentinian-style alfajores.

And in a few weeks, depending on how things go, I’m thinking I might enact that 100% Boobs All The Time policy on this blog. There will still be food, of course, just food in the vicinity of boobs. Boobs with biscuits. Boobs with soup. Boobs giving away the temperature of all the outdoor shots. I think I’m going to be getting a lot more compliments on my photography. Let the traffic spike begin!

Pink Cookies

You can flavor and color the frosting however you like. Don’t feel limited to the most hideous color known to man.

Dough
3 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature
1 cup powdered sugar, sifted
3 cups all-purpose flour
½ tsp. salt
1 tsp. vanilla extract

Frosting
8 oz. cream cheese, room temperature
6 Tbsp. unsalted butter, room temperature
3 cups powdered sugar, sifted
1¼ tsp. kirsch, or more to taste
Red food coloring

For cookies, combine the butter and sifted powdered sugar in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment. Beat until light and fluffy, starting out very slowly so the sugar doesn’t fly everywhere, and gradually increasing speed. In a medium bowl, mix together the flour and salt. With the mixer on low, add the flour mixture to the butter mixture, beating until the flour is just absorbed. Add the vanilla and beat well to incorporate. Lay a large sheet of plastic wrap on the counter and turn the dough out onto it. Gather the dough into a ball and press into a thick disk. Wrap well and refrigerator for 1 hour.

Preheat the oven to 325°F. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper. On a clean, floured surface, roll the dough to a thickness of ¼- to ½-inch. (Breaking the dough into two pieces makes it easier to manage.) Cut shapes with cookie cutters or drinking glass. Place the cookies on prepared baking sheets, spacing them an inch apart. Bake one sheet at a time for 16-20 minutes, or until the cookies are pale golden at the edge. Do not allow them to brown. Transfer pan to wire rack and allow cookies to cool completely on pan.

To make the frosting, wash your mixer bowl and paddle. Combine cream cheese and butter in the bowl and beat with the paddle on medium speed until smooth. Add the powdered sugar and beat on low to fully incorporate, then raise speed to medium, beating until there are no lumps, scraping down the sides of the bowl with a rubber scraper as needed. Add the kirsch and a few drops of red food coloring and beat well. I like the frosting barely pink, but feel free to add more food coloring and kirsch to taste. Spread thickly over cookies. They will keep in the refrigerator for 3 days, and can be frozen. Makes about 2 dozen.

Source: Adapted from Jimmy’s recipe in A Homemade Life by Molly Wizenberg. I hope he would approve of my interpretation.

Comments

[kitchensinkroslyn]

Praying for a speedy recovery for you.
Gosh, I hope you'll do a blog featuring booba ganoush...

[Megan Carroll]

I think it is fair to say that no topic is off limits if one is singing the praises of their boobs on a blog! Speedy recovery.

[aimee]

Booba Ganoush! Ha hahahhahaha please do it.
I'll post a boob-food post complete with photo on my blog, too, in solidarity!

[Sarah]

Hope all goes well - look forward to having you back! Sarah

[Cheryl S.]

Good luck!! the stretching of the muscle part sucks, but it's for boobs! New ones! wishing you a speedy recovery. You could do a food porn post like Anthony Bourdain on No Reservations. . . .

[tallasiandude]

heh, boobs -- nice.

Um, is this the post you were talking about WRT the shrimp share?

[Tammy]

tallasiandude: Yup. The shrimp are yours. Hear that, everybody? Hands off.

Thanks for the comments, Cheryl, Sarah, Aimee, Megan, Roslyn! I'm off.

[Sean]

I really don't think nipples are optional. :) Best of luck to you!

[Kari]

Tammy! Thanks for the Valentine's present idea. The cookies. Good luck with your surgery! Hopefully what "they" say is true and you will be able to go braless from now on.

[Jane (cryptogram addict)]

Keeping you in my thoughts today and wishing you a speedy recovery.

[Ann Flora]

So I find your blog and finish reading your entire archive on the day you have reconstructive surgery. Crap. I hope it went well. But my comment has nothing to do with boobs.

I've enjoyed reading your blog because you write funny very well. You made me laugh out loud, and then I had to read to my Husband. Also, I'm not sure they should let me graduate from culinary school either (in June, hopefully). If anyone asked me to plan a menu, the sound of my brain's gears grinding to a halt would be deafening. You're a kitchen queen compared to me.

I also wanted to cheer you by sharing one of my own moronic moments. Recently, the first thing I did after a friend in an arm sling told me her story of falling and dislocating her shoulder and suffering horrible pain was PAT HER HURTING SHOULDER!
Can we have a club or something?

[Kathy]

WTF is Kirsch?

And.....I hope everything goes well. Speedy recovery! :)

[danish]

Hope its a quick recovery! Be well.

[Jules Someone]

I'm all for some boob posts. Finger crossed for a speedy recovery.

[Megan Carroll]

Kirsch is cherry liqueur.

[Carice]

Good luck for an uncomplicated procedure and a speedy recovery.
You know the best thing to ensure a speedy recovery is lots and lots of cookies right?

[Alana]

Peach melba! Hooray for boobs, especially yours to come.

[Amy]

Well, think of it this way...millions of women everywhere would love the chance at getting a new/different set of boobs.

Big fat squishy hug to you, Lady.

[Sandicita]

Well, happy new boob!
Hope you surgery is uneventful and your recovery quick and as painless as possible.

[Lynn Jenness]

You rock. I stalk your blog for witty and highly amusing food commentary, and now even my 12-year-old self finds something of interest. Just wanted to say thanks for clever writing -- perhaps that dry wit is a New England thing?-- and wish you the best of luck with the whole boob thing. :)

[melissa birchall]

FOTF best of luck for your big outing! Can I say - I enjoy your blog so much I even subscribed (a first for me!).
Laughing and learning are so complimetary!

[Katherine]

Hope surgery is uneventful and the results are symmetrical.

Also, please do not hold out on the eggless cookie recipes anymore!

[andrea]

Oh please, please, please you have to share the google results that lead people to your blog now. The squash will likely take a backseat to this one!

Thinking of you and your boobs (wait that didn't come out right.)

[Karen @ Mignardise]

Thanks for the update! Hope all has gone well for you. I love that you made boob cookies to commemorate the occasion!

[tallasiandude]

Thanks again, I hope everything went well.

[Charlie]

Hope everything went well and your new boob is marvellous in every way (though perhaps not in the gigantic size department). Just another step to putting all that cancer crap behind you. Onward, upward, and boobward!

[Kalyn]

You go girl!!

And I can tell you from personal experience that the larger sized breasts are HIGHLY OVERRATED.

Completely cheering you on here.

[Tammy]

Thanks, everybody. I really appreciate the nice comments!