You’re All Invited

I’m looking ahead to 2010 with great anticipation, and it’s going to be very hard to keep me sober on the eve of it. To usher out this crap-tastic year and escort in something better (much better), I’m throwing a virtual New Year’s Eve party and you’re all invited. You don’t even have to cancel your existing plans as it all takes place right here in the all-you-can-eat banquet hall of your mind.

The theme is Fuck 2009! It would be potluck, of course, because I’m not actually very good at throwing parties, real or virtual, and everybody could bring a dish that symbolized their particular hard knocks of the year. Partaking in the feast would be like participating in a delicious, communal exorcism. I wouldn’t even force you to use local ingredients, though there might be something in it for you if you do. You never know.

We’d set up tents on one side of the hall and let the kids go all Lord of the Flies over there while we civilized adults engage in similarly vicious but slightly more veiled mind games having to do with who gets the last slice of chocolate chestnut torte and whether or not the person tasked with mixing drinks is making them strong enough. Have no fear, there will definitely be a fry-o-later and a grill on hand. This is my party after all. Oh, and we’ll need a good blues band. Maybe during their break, people could get up and tell funny stories about this calamitous year. Not me, though. Nothing makes me want to throw up more than public speaking, and I think I’ve already paid my dues in that respect.

Then we’d all boisterously count down the seconds until midnight (maybe sans Dick Clark, though—we’re trying not to be depressed, remember?), and then I’d kick everybody out five seconds later because I need my beauty rest. Sound like the awesomest time ever? I thought so.

RSVP ASAP with the dish you’re bringing. Some ideas:

“My Heat Got Shut Off” Vichyssoise
Laid-Off Deviled Eggs
Repo Potato Skins (potato skins stripped of their cheese, bacon, sour cream, chives, etc. by someone who shall remain nameless)
Kidney Stone Soup
Store-Brand Spaghetti with Blighted Tomato Sauce
Roasted Loin of Infected Swine with Sour Grape Conserve
Chapter 11-Bean Chili
90-Days-Late Sauerkraut (I have dibs on this one)
Foreclosure Flan
“At Least I Have My Health” Deep-Fried Snickers Bars

C’mon, clever readers. You can do better than this. Watcha got?

Comments

[aimee]

"Busted knee" leg o' goat (I raise goats, and am broke, so goat it is. Pretty good, actually.).
One shoulder roast of goat (okay, okay, or lamb). The knee joint is the skinny end. Smash it with a hammer.
12 cloves garlic
juice of three or four lemons
tablespoon oregano
plenty of olive oil
salt and pepper
Mash garlic in a mortar and pestle with salt, pepper, and oregano. Add olive oil and mix. Rub all over shoulder of lamb and let rest for a few hours.
Sear in a hot skillet, then roast at 325 for an hour and a half, surrounded with quartered onions and fingerling potatoes. When almost done, squeeze over the whole shebang the juice of three or four lemons.
Serve with a rustic red, and plenty of it, to kill the pain.

[Karen]

Where Appliances Go to Die alla Cacciatore

[adele]

"Drown-Your-Sorrows-Chocolate-Whiskey-Cake"?

Sorry. I'm not very imaginative. Maybe I'll have something more creative after I get into the cooking alcohol.

[Susanna]

Mom In the Pantry.

The name and nothing else inspired by the British Toad in the Hole.

Put 2 kids in front of 1 TV for 30 min.

Take 1 knife, dullish. Stick into 1 jar chunky peanut butter.

After the knife is somewhat obscured remove from jar and insert into desperately ripped open bag of chocolate chips, any variety (dark, white, what-have-you).

Repeat until Elmo begins to sing.

It's that or "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere" Cocktails from 9 a.m. on.

[Amy]

"Can't sell my house" Guacamole and Unemployed Moldy Fruit Salad.

[Robert]

Here's what I'm bringing, Tammy:

Everything but the Kitchen Sink Stew Because the Freezer is Defrosting . . . Again.

Ingredients:

Whatever you have in your freezer that won't stand more than 24 hours at less than freezing temperatures

Technique:

Chop all rapidly defrosting meats and vegetables into small bits and cook in a large pot along with a quart or two of now-thawed chicken stock

Serve, and repeat a few days later when the $400 computer board installed by the first incompetent repairman fails to solve the problem and the whole damn thing thaws out again.

I find this is tastiest when cooked on a brand new stove installed just after a not-so-helpful Sears sales jerk sells you a freestanding stove when you need a drop-in (I mean, seriously, who ever buys a replacement STOVE and needs to even know to ask this kind of stuff?) and you have to return it and get the proper stove. And it's even better when the dishes are washed afterwards in a brand new dishwasher that you had to buy after the first one crapped out for no apparent reason. And yet, somehow, despite spending thousands of dollars, your kitchen in no way looks remodeled.

Here's to bidding farewell to the Great Appliance Malfunctions of 2009 and to a new 2010 free of all mechanical difficulty.

[melch]

I'm bringing my favorite comfort foods of the year: short(on patience because my job is using it all up and more)bread cookies and Sauza Reposado. Can't make a repo pun because we've been lucky enough to keep our crap, but none of my favorite liquors can be wittily mixed in with "husband got laid off".

What a great idea, Tammy! Not only am I looking forward to the year being over but I am also now looking forward to the ceremonial boot to 2009's butt.

[NurseJen]

Freshly "Laid-off" eggs maladict:

2 fried eggs on a pile of "canned" chopped ham on a half of a hamburger bun, topped with mustard and ketchup squeezed from packets my FarmBoy stole from the kitchen at work the day he got canned.

[Sis]

I'll share the Chapter 11-Bean Chili. Or I might take it up a notch with some Chapter 13 Your Fuckin' Broke Stew... I'll have my lawyer advise me which is more appropriate. And for the vegetarians, I'll bring a "Burnt and Pilfered Field of Dreams" salad.

Then I'll vomit. Because, it seems, we Donroe girls never really pay our respects in that department even though we feel we have.

[Rebecca]

Ha, good idea.
I'll bring a pot of severe postpartum hemorrhage with an emergency hysterectomy on the side...Simmer for three weeks while your infant and toddler are home wondering where the hell mommy is, and your husband is packing your house that you decided to sell before the shit hit the fan. But while the shit did hit the fan you couldn't find a new place to live. Good times. Bring on 2010!!!
And Susanna, I love your post. I'll have the pantry peanut butter and choc chips for dessert. Happy New Year, Tammy.

[Allison]

Clever went out the window a long time ago. All I've got is:

*All my money went toward tuition but I did manage to swipe this pizza from an English department meeting

*Crackers because the mice ate all my cheese

[Keats]

I will be bring the various foods of a homicide investigation

-Many boxes of Joe
-Muffins, doughnuts, bagels
-coffee cake
-breakfast sandwiches, made with two, fried eggs, American cheese and 5 pieces of beacon.

Pizza, salad ( yeah right) and large steak and cheese grinders

Chicken tenders, calzones.

The key to the investigation menu is CARBS, the more carbs you eat the better off you will be 48 hours later.

[Mary]

In honor of 2009, the year in which my selection of allergy-safe foods dwindled to near nothing, I will bring the following stomach-friendly dishes:

raw iceberg lettuce
boiled white rice
popcorn (plain)
paper bag (in case any of the above foods get cross-contaminated)

[Erin]

Lawsuit Linguine with Dead Mussels. (Now those are some bargain mussels!)
Wilted Career Salad
Forgotten Blog Cookies

[SallyBR]

One thing comes to my mind - a sort of volcano-cake that Sandra SemiHomemade committed on a show years ago

I watched it in horror. Not sure you know what I'm talking about, but just in case, check it out

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/semi-homemade-cooking-with-sandra-lee/volcano-cake-recipe/index.html

Don't need to thank me... ;-)

[cookiecrumb]

Why-Didn't-Anyone-Tell-Me-I-Had-Celiac-Disease French Toast

[Barry Foy]

Tonight's Specials at Bistro Eau-Nine:

Appetizer: Torturilla Chips and Guantanamole
Soup: Barack-a-Leekie
Main: Crook Monsieur a la Madoff
Dessert: Cashews-for-Clunkers Party Squares

[Megan Carroll]

Wow. Sounds like every one has had a crapy year. We haven't had it that bad, but have learned a thing or two, so our contribution is Bottom Feeder Paella...

[Kasumi]

My co-worker wants to contribute her recipe for Menopause Hot & Cold soup with a side of Insomnia salad.

[Annabelle B]

Ha, well I will be bringing F*ck You Fondue.

F*ck you 2009! You declared open season on Hollywood, had a go at Tammy, took my Grandpa out, put about 25% of my friends out of work, did that thing to my you know what, and now you are DONE. So good riddance!

Here is a big, hot, melted cheese-laden FU to 09!!!!I stick a bread cubed fork in you!

[Sis]

OMG! F You Fondue has GOT to be the winner. I don't know you Annabelle B, but I think I love you...

[giovanna]

Crazy Momma Biscotti

Because I'm going on my second year of taking care of my mom with Alzheimers and living with her 3 days a week is making ME feel fucking crazy and like I have Alzheimers too.

I say this with total love!

[Cherie]

How about dysfunctional duck a l'orange? It would be in homage to a family that manages to turn every and any holiday into an absolute shitstorm.

I just found your site by the way- I love it....very funny, super entertaining.
Best to you in the New Year dear!

Cheers,
Cherie
http://www.cheriepicked.com

[Janet]

Roasted gallstones with bacon. Because everything goes better with bacon.

[Jess]

Boiled cabbage for the money that walked out the door so the new boiler could walked in. With a side of grateful that the money was there in the first place. Happy New Year, Tammy et al!

[Tammy]

Awesome party, guys. Thanks for coming. Happy New Year!!!

[Tracy]

Infertility Faux Flan...faux because it doesn't have any eggs.
(if you don't laugh about it, you'll cry).