A few weeks ago, Husband was on furlough from his job and both kids were at school, so we took that opportunity to go out for Indian buffet at a restaurant that shan’t be named but which was less delicious and far filthier than I remember. As we were talking and shoveling large quantities of mediocre-but-still-somehow-enticing food down our gullets, Husband mentioned how much he loves to swim. Which goes to show that it’s never too late to learn something new about your spouse.
Me: You love to swim?
Him: Of course.
Me: Oh. I didn’t know that.
Him: What are you talking about? I swim all the time.
Me: I can’t remember the last time I saw you swim. In fact, in all the years I’ve known you, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you swim. Do you know how to swim?
Him: That’s completely ridiculous. We go to the beach all the time.
Me: Yeah, on the bay side where the tidal pools are up to your knees. I don’t think that counts as swimming.
Him: We go to lakes and ponds sometimes, too.
Me: Yes, with the kids. I know. But your feet are touching the bottom.
Me: So that’s not swimming.
Him: I know how to swim. If you brought me to a pool right now I could easily float for an hour and half. You can time me.
Me: That’s not swimming, either.
Him: What do you mean that’s not swimming? It’s not drowning.
Me: But you’re not even moving.
Him: I’m not sinking…
Me: So when people say, “Hey, let’s go swimming,” you imagine everyone cannon-balling in and doing the dead man’s float?
Him: Or whatever they wanted. What’s your idea of recreational swimming? Doing laps? That, um, sounds fun.
Me: Well, treading water, at least.
Him: I consider swimming to be anything that’s not drowning. Having water cover most of my body, but not my air holes.
Me: (spitting out my chicken tikka masala) Well, that covers a lot of ground. Does a bath count?
Him: Okay, since you’re such a good swimmer, why don’t you tell your readers about the time you were a camp counselor at the Y and got fired for getting drunk in the locker room before teaching swimming lessons.
Me: That’s not what happened AT ALL. I didn’t even teach swimming lessons.
God, doesn’t anyone fact-check these posts?