Mushroom Madness

So, while all of this medical shit was going down, there were mushrooms.  There was the first flush of oyster mushrooms back in May, as you might recall.  Then, there was a second flush.  And then a third.  But, as always, things didn’t quite go according to plan.

The plan, of course, was to eat the mushrooms.  But when the second flush appeared, as discovered by the 3YO, who seems to be developing a greenish- brown tinge to his thumbs, we were in the middle of making our getaway to the Cape for Memorial Day weekend and mushrooms were the furthest thing from our minds.  Still, I was delighted to note that there were four times as many mushrooms as before. 

A long weekend, however, was too long.  Upon our return, all of these mushrooms had curled up into sad little husks.  Damnit!  I went off and sulked.  The mushroom instructions mentioned nothing of a third flush, so I reluctantly moved on to other distractions.  A few days later, I noticed that these disgusting little wormy things were crawling all over the mushroom remains.  Whatever.  I figured they’d compost themselves and we’d try again next year.

Then came June and the rain.  And the rain and the rain and the rain.  The sun may have come out once in three weeks and, on that day, the 3YO checked on what he was now referring to as “his” mushrooms since he was doing all the work.  Look what he found among the shriveled remains of the last crop:

Whoa!  “His” mushrooms were HUGE, and instead of presenting as little individual umbrellas, as mine had, they were stacked and layered, seemingly clinging to the side of the bucket for dear life as the floods subsided.  Maybe two or three pounds worth, they were exactly what oyster mushrooms should look like (except for maybe the ass-shaped one). 

Wow, I thought to myself, this is my kind of crop!  The more you ignore it, the better the yields.  My mouth was watering.  I conjured up a mushroom risotto in my mind, something with brandy, beef stock, and thyme.  It would be the last meal I would prepare before my surgery, and it would be spectacular.

I could hardly wait to harvest them.  I got a paring knife and a paper bag at the ready and cut the top one off at its stem.  Right away, something didn’t look right.  Instead of the smooth, ivory texture I associate with mushrooms, the stem where I had cut it looked spongy inside, like bread.  I waved away a small cloud of bugs in annoyance.  And then some more bugs.  God, what’s with all the little flies, I thought?  Slowly, I turned the palm-sized mushroom cap over in my hand and saw it.  Every single one of the ribs housed at least one adult fly and large cluster of eggs.  On closer inspection, tiny mushroom-colored larvae were crawling out of every orifice.  What I held in my hand, I realized, wasn’t actually a mushroom at all but a mushroom-shaped conglomeration of squirming, miniature maggot-like worms.  I flung it to the ground.  It crawled away.  I passed out.

That picture doesn’t even do it justice.  In my semi-conscious state, I dreamt I got Monsanto corporate headquarters on the line: “Hello, Monsanto?  I take back what I said.  I need a case of Roundup, stat.”

At some point, Husband came around with the watering can to revive me.  Then, I faced the bucket once again, hand clamped over my mouth to contain the vomit.  I harvested the rest, one by one, to see if anything could be salvaged.  Not a single thing.  Total infestation.

God, this kind of thing can break your heart.  I wonder how farmers deal with the emotional effects of crop loss on a large scale?

Comments

[Barry Foy]

Hey, Oyster Mushroom Fans!! Don't forget to try our new high-protein Chunky Style!! Say goodbye to ho-hum tempeh, lentils, and black-eyed peas--perfect for those dreary Meatless Mondays!!

[April in CT]

Oh dude...I totally would have LOST IT. ICK!!

[MidLifeMama]

OY VEY. I got the creeeeps just reading that. I hate swarms of any kind of insect. I don't like mushrooms either, but wouldn't wish that on anyone. GAH.

[aimee]

ewwww. Sorry you had to see that in your delicate condition. I've been thinking about a mushroom log... this little episode aside, is it worth it??

[Amy]

Oh, man. That is sad. And gross. And a tease. The beginning had me SO wanting to cultivate some mushrooms so I don't have to drool at the random ones in the yard wondering if they're poisonous and deciding they probably are.

On the bright side, I was wanting a snack before bed, and now, not so much.

[Amy]

Ick. Double ick. It might take me a while before I can shake that image and eat mushrooms again.

But the important thing to remember is that YOUR mushroom batch did indeed turn out better than your husbands.

[Sobaka]

You cracked me up with "except for maybe the ass-shaped one." Then I shivered in sympathy when I read about those bugs and worms. I wouldn't be surprised if you were traumatized for life and never wanted to grow another mushroom. But I know you'll try again some day...

[Jessica]

sitting, reading, laughing!

[giovanna]

I love how you put the mushroom on a piece of parchment paper so we can get the FULL effect of the infestation!!

Truly puke inducing!! Just too funny.

[musingegret]

"I wonder how farmers deal with the emotional effects of crop loss on a large scale?"

I just really don't know; I'm still mourning my cilantro that didn't produce this year! So happy you're feeling better; love your blog.

[cookiecrumb]

DAMN BUGS!

[Melissa]

Horrifying. And sad. Sorry it didn't work out this time. *Trying to get rid of maggoty image*

[Mary]

I am impressed at your fortitude that you didn't promptly vomit into the bucket. Gross.

[Kara]

Oh man. Oh. That's gross. Oh. I would have lost it.

[Tammy]

Kara: I know. What made it really hurt was that I had no idea what was going on. They looked so perfect from the top.

Mary: Yeah, flies I can deal with, even eggs. But those worms were truly nasty.

Melissa: Next time, I'll remove the old, dead mushrooms so as not to invite unwanted visitors. Lesson learned.

CC: Smart bugs. Those condos were spacious and so close to the Pike.

musingegret: Welcome! Luckily, I'm mostly hardened from my past failures. Mostly.

giovanna: It was a paper bag, but still, point taken!

Jessica: Glad you enjoyed it!

Sobaka: I'll definitely try again. Even though they were infested, at least they grew. That's better than my usual record.

Amy: That's true, but only because he has absolutely no interest in trying.

Amy: Glad I could take away your appetite. That's the true measure of a good food blog!

aimee: I have some mushroom logs going as we speak (shiitakes). They take about a year, so next spring I'll let you know how they fared.

MidLifeMama: I suppose when you're dealing in fungus, you have to be prepared for the worst.

April in CT: They just looked so promising.

Barry: Always looking on the bright side. I never would have thought to play up the double protein angle.

[Uncle Bob]

Wait! Wait, everybody! All wild mushrooms have bugs and worms! But all is not lost: Place the mushrooms, even the ass-shaped ones, gill-side-down on a coarse screen and set the screen outside over the grass. As the mushrooms dry, all the bugs, worms, and eggs will fall into the grass below, where they will live out their lives unmolested. Meanwhile, the mushrooms will dry for storage and later re-hydration. I collect wild mushrooms and I do this all the time!

[Sara]

Ew. I was given mushrooms that had been foraged once and set them on a plate on top of the fridge (I was planning to do something with them soon!) The next time I looked it creepy crawly things were climbing out of it. My roommoate and I threw the whole thing in a bag, plate and all in a plastic bag and threw it out. We were happy enough to replace a plastic plate. Come to think of it, I used to love mushrooms and now they sort of scare me. Maybe this is part of it.