Mushroom Dreams

I’ve been trying to figure out how to make this whole shady yard, black thumb, shadow of death thing work for me in a gardening sense.  I feel compelled to plant things in the spring, but then equally compelled to neglect them come mid-summer.  Surely, there’s some kind of activity tailor-made for such a person.  And then it hit me.  Fungus!

Yes, that’s IT.  Why didn’t this occur to me before?  I have the perfect conditions: heavy shade, mossy dampness, complete lack of supervision.  The last time I tried to grow anything with this winning trifecta, I kept having to pick out all the mushrooms that were crowding out my poor, anemic sprouts.  Turns out, I should have eaten the sprouts and cultivated the toadstools instead. 

Now, before you start interrupting, I know that my explosive history with mushroom digestion doesn’t make me the most likely candidate for such an endeavor.  But not all edible mushrooms make me sick.  Only some of them.  And maybe now would be as good a time as any to nail down exactly which ones.  My running tally looks something like this:

Morels: Fine
Shiitakes: No problem
Porcinis: Bad
Portobellos: Veeerrrrry bad
Truffles: Call an ambulance

Everything else can go either way.  So, I could pick a mushroom that I know I can eat and even idiots can grow, if there exists such a specimen.  Surely it would beat the game of Russian roulette that would be me foraging for them in the wild.  I certainly suffer no shortage of adoration for them, and since when do I have to justify my irrational love to the likes of you people?  I say, if love is a battlefield, then let it be littered with mushroom caps.

One out of one husband agrees: “Now you can combine two of your favorite activities: gardening and vomiting, only one of which you’re actually good at.”  With an endorsement like that, I knew I’d better high-tail it to the library.  Unfortunately, the book I wanted, Growing Gourmet and Medicinal Mushrooms, was out and had to be specially requested from another branch.  I was sure to whisper the word “Medicinal” to the guy behind the desk so he wouldn’t get suspicious.  He just winked, which was weird because I looked like shit.

Now I’m waiting impatiently for my book to arrive.  I hate waiting because then there’s ample time for reality to set in.  And the momentum required to cut down and inoculate logs with shiitake spawn is dissipating even as I type this.  And how will I control the field?  Even if I cover my budding bed of oyster mushrooms with a tarp or something, what’s to stop a lone poisonous spore from squatting in the compost?  Would I even notice?  Or care?  More importantly, will I even read this book?

As with all the important decisions in my life, I put it out to you.  Is this a stroke of brilliance or the worst idea ever?  I’m open to all viewpoints as long as they’re the ones I want to hear.  Does anyone have experience growing mushrooms?

Comments

[Sally]

I've never grown any - but I've wanted to. The kits look really easy. What the hell - give it a try. At the very worst, they won't come up. And the best would be that your yard becomes a veritible forrest of shitake mushrooms! Woo hoo!!

[Elizabeth]

I've never tried, curious though. If you do try please, please, keep us posted on the experiment.

[WhatACard]

I've been tempted to try one of the pre"seasoned" logs you can buy. Not tempted enough to, you know, get off my butt and order one, but tempted enough to think about it.

Good luck! I hope you do give it a try because I'd love to hear how it goes!

[Cornelia]

Go for it! I have that book (it's a whopper) and was completely overwhelmed by the level of complexity - the lengths that mushroom people go to rivals those of Linux programmers or record collectors.
An inoculated log may be a good way to start, but it does take patience. Sometimes you won't get a crop for a year (sometimes within 6 weeks). Morels are apparently quite easy to grow (and yummm!)
Good luck. Also see TED talk on "6 ways mushrooms can save the world)

[Courtney]

Um, I really really loved this post but after reading the comments I am stunned - STUNNED - to find out one can GROW morels when my dad took us on forced marches every spring of my life to find them. I was terrible at spotting morels and think I've found, like, two, in my entire life, and those were entirely be accident.

[Molly]

I've grown shiitakes and they are very easy to grow once you get the logs inoculated. They produce well in the spring and fall when temps are a little cooler. They love shady moist spots.

[adele]

I vote that you try, if only because I can't wait to see the writing that will come out of it. :P

[Ariel]

From a likelihood of entertaining blog fodder perspective, it's a brilliant idea. From a health/safety/avoiding explosive vomiting perspective, perhaps not so much. But as a reader, I fully support you making decisions based on what will be most entertaining to me.

[Sara]

My husband tried growing "medicinal" mushrooms under his bed when he was a teenager. A year later he finally went to the doctor for a hacking cough that wouldn't go away - instead of under his bed, he was growing mushrooms in his lungs! An antibiotic took care of it eventually. I tell you this to amuse, not to discourage, although I guess this means you probably shouldn't get any starter fungi going indoors, pre-growing season. Good luck!

[Katie]

You and I were definitely separated at birth. I have never wanted anything more than to grow my own veggie/herb garden but my black thumb kills anything it touches (including a cactus). Only thing that has survived me is sage, mint and basil. So this sounds right up my alley as well. Perhaps I'll go try it too and we can have dueling blogs :-)

[Erica]

Fascinating - I should take a cue from your idea. We live in the Pacific Northwest and mushrooms grow like weeds here. My biggest problem is identifying them since many are poisonous. I once came home to find a petite, old Asian lady picking mushrooms in my front yard/forest area, and then suddenly realized, "there's gold in them weeds".

[Tammy]

Erica: I know what you mean about the scary poisonous mushroom thing. It's a mistake you can't really afford to make even once. I'll keep you posted.

Katie: I would like nothing more. Will you be bringing the wine?

Sara: Wow. Who knew that human lungs were their preferred growing environment! You've definitely convinced me that this will be strictly an outdoor endeavor.

Ariel: That's the spirit! I like to think I would use good judgment in the process, but I guess we'll find out.

adele: Me, too! Plus I'm just really, really curious to see if there's anything I can grow. Anything at all.

Molly: Very good to know. Shiitakes are at the top of my list so far.

Courtney: I'm so jealous of your childhood death marches now that I'm sitting here as an adult. As a kid, I'm sure I would have hated them, too. My grandfather used to force my dad to go mushroom hunting with him, and now he can't even look at a mushroom.

Cornelia: I just got the book and it IS huge. Haven't cracked it open, yet. The cover is also very intimidating (not a good sign), but I will persevere.

Whatacard: Well, I certainly hope to tempt you further. Wish me luck.

Elizabeth: Most definitely. I can't keep that kind of shit to myself.

Sally: Seriously, my yard is like a mushroom paradise, all ferns, woods, and decay. Send good gardening vibes my way! I'll need them.

[rahulseo]

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