I’m sad. After only eight years of service, my beloved stand mixer is shot.
I didn’t expect it to happen so soon. I got it as a wedding present. It was one of those industrial-strength models with arms for extra stability, and it came with a note from one of my relatives that read, “Guaranteed to outlast your marriage!!!” or something heart-warming like that. But guess what? We’re still married. And the mixer? Kaput.
This won’t do. You see, I only got married for the KitchenAid. That’s right, you heard me. Do you think I could have afforded a luxury like that on an entry-level Spanish major’s salary? No way. Matrimony was my ticket to hands-free mixing for the rest of my life, ‘til death do us part. Or so I thought. The vows were a little unclear. Now, I find out that KitchenAids don’t even outlast the average marriage. In the U.S. That ain’t good.
Here’s how it all went down. I was making bread. I don’t usually use the mixer for bread dough because the motor, even at its lowest speed, always sounds like it’s going to have a heart attack. Then I feel compelled to stand there and babysit it so it doesn’t waddle its way over to the counter’s edge and fling itself off in an act of euthanasia. But I was on my third or fourth loaf of bread that month and my arthritis was starting to object to all the kneading, so I plugged in the dough hook, made the sign of the cross, and let the slappity-slapping begin. After just a few seconds, the dough hook went dead. The motor kept running, but the part where you plug in the attachments wouldn’t rotate even in an empty bowl. In the weeks since then, I’d plug it back in periodically and turn it on to see if it was all just a bad dream, but no. Finally, when I laid the defeated appliance on its back to copy down the serial number in order to write just such a letter as this, it hemorrhaged oil all over my counter.
So, tell me, KitchenAid, what can be done? I feel betrayed. In these desperate economic times, can I count on you to stand behind the quality of your product and uphold the family values for which you have traditionally stood? Tell me the American dream still exists. Tell me you will resurrect my fallen mixer at no charge to me. And then tell me that, this time, it will outlast my marriage. Because a girl needs something to cling to in her golden years.