For a Whopper of a Good Time

Have you ever been downwind from someone who just got off his shift at Burger King and thought, god, the smell of fast food is making me soooooo horny?  No?  Well, I guess your market research and Burger King’s market research were not pulled from the same pool.  Just this week, BK launched Flame ($3.99), a men’s body spray that, in case you haven’t read about this already, evokes the scent of flame-broiled burgers.  I’m not kidding.  It’s meat-flavored cologne.  Just ask their spokesman, Burger King, Male Prostitute. 

Wow, if that image isn’t a recipe for abstinence, then I don’t know what is.  Does the spray come with the crown and the freaky plastic face, I wonder?

You may think that eau de CAFO-beef patties is gross and you may be right, but remember that you don’t speak for all of us.  Some of us are able to suck that vomit back down into our stomachs just long enough to write a post.  And frankly, from an entrepreneurial perspective, it’s sheer brilliance.  When the flavor of your food comes from a test tube anyway, how hard is it to slap some labeling on that tube and sell it as something else?  Something that, if luck is on your side, might help to make you hungry later on.  And even if the ladies don’t come a-running (and we are a fickle bunch, aren’t we?), you yourself will end up running to the nearest drive-through because now you feel peckish all the time and you don't know why.  Mmmmm, the sultry smell of subliminal advertising.

But let’s just assume for a minute that Flame really does drive women wild (or men), it’s bound to get confusing for the public once all of those Pavlovian bells start ringing at once.  Like, when you smell sizzling meat, how will you know if you’re hungry or just horny?  What are we standing in line for again?  A bacon double cheeseburger or that fry cook who’s looking suddenly hot back there?  The answer, according to BK, is who cares?  No matter what, it’s money in the bank. 

So now we can look forward to that smell permeating everything, from subway cars to elevators.  There will be no escaping that tantalizing fast food aroma, and it’s very hard to maintain your food snob composure under those kinds of conditions.  I worry that I’ll fall prey to those skeevy guys that hang around strip malls as a result:

Guy: Why, hello there.  What do you say we take a walk over to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, if you know what I’m saying?

Me: Dude, I don’t think so.

Guy: (comes closer) I might have something you need.

Me: Oh yeah?  And what exactly would that be?  (starting to notice a familiar meaty scent)

Guy: Right here in my pocket…

Me: Oh god...  (covering eyes)

Guy: See?  Double coupons to Burger King.

Me: Fuck, yeah!  Ladies first.

I don’t need this kind of temptation around the holidays, so I hope Santa doesn’t get any ideas for stocking stuffers.  Lay off the Flame, Santa, unless you plan on following up with the real thing.  (And by real thing, I mean an actual Whopper.)

Comments

[adele]

I think I'm scarred for life. The product is bad enough. The advertising... words fail me.

[Barry Foy]

Let's not let sanctimonious indignation over the sexual-attraction angle blind us to what really makes Flame worth buying: You can spray it on a Whopper and trick yourself into thinking it's food! Couldn't hurt a Krispy Kreme doughnut either, if you ask me.

[Jeena]

Wow. This is officially the funniest thing in the history of FOREVER.

[cookiecrumb]

First time I cooked a standing rib roast, I had night school right after dinner. One of the students took a whiff of me and said, "You smell like a hamburger!"
I was insulted, of course. It was prime rib, not fast food!

[NurseJen]

I saw this on CNN this morning. Reminded me of an old boyfriend. I used to love fajitas, until I dated a guy who waited tables at a Ruby Tuesdays, when their sizzling fajita platters were all the rage. He used to come home smelling of fajitas. At first it was pretty cool, made for interesting relations. Then it just became gross. I haven't eaten a fajita in 13 years because of it.

[Jess]

I'm never eating fajitas again. Sincerely, NurseJen's Sister.

[Sally]

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! *ahem*

That picture is seriously disturbing. WTG Tammy!

*chuckle* *snort*

[Sandicita]

I read that it doesn´t smell like a hamburger so much as something reminiscent of flame-broiled-ness, plus cinnamon (oddly enough). The whole concept just seems wierd to me though...

[Tammy]

Sandicita: Ah, so it's something more reminiscent of liquid smoke? That might work for me actually. Maybe I was too hasty.

Sally: Suddenly, I have an urge for salad and only platonic relations.

Jess: Are you really NurseJen's sister?

NurseJen: Wow, the power of the olfactory senses. Poor lonely fajitas.

CC: That student may be Flame's target demographic. Now, if they can bottle the essence of braised short rib, we might be getting somewhere...

Jeena: Oh BK, what will you think of next?

Barry Foy: That's true. If you spray Flame on a Whopper, maybe you don't even have to cook it! (dry heaves)

Adele: Do you know what I'm really worried about? The counterattack that will be launched by McDonald's. Probably with clowns. The horrors!

[Robert]

I'm with Adele. This is one of the most disturbing things I've ever witnessed.