Have you ever been downwind from someone who just got off his shift at Burger King and thought, god, the smell of fast food is making me soooooo horny? No? Well, I guess your market research and Burger King’s market research were not pulled from the same pool. Just this week, BK launched Flame ($3.99), a men’s body spray that, in case you haven’t read about this already, evokes the scent of flame-broiled burgers. I’m not kidding. It’s meat-flavored cologne. Just ask their spokesman, Burger King, Male Prostitute.
Wow, if that image isn’t a recipe for abstinence, then I don’t know what is. Does the spray come with the crown and the freaky plastic face, I wonder?
You may think that eau de CAFO-beef patties is gross and you may be right, but remember that you don’t speak for all of us. Some of us are able to suck that vomit back down into our stomachs just long enough to write a post. And frankly, from an entrepreneurial perspective, it’s sheer brilliance. When the flavor of your food comes from a test tube anyway, how hard is it to slap some labeling on that tube and sell it as something else? Something that, if luck is on your side, might help to make you hungry later on. And even if the ladies don’t come a-running (and we are a fickle bunch, aren’t we?), you yourself will end up running to the nearest drive-through because now you feel peckish all the time and you don't know why. Mmmmm, the sultry smell of subliminal advertising.
But let’s just assume for a minute that Flame really does drive women wild (or men), it’s bound to get confusing for the public once all of those Pavlovian bells start ringing at once. Like, when you smell sizzling meat, how will you know if you’re hungry or just horny? What are we standing in line for again? A bacon double cheeseburger or that fry cook who’s looking suddenly hot back there? The answer, according to BK, is who cares? No matter what, it’s money in the bank.
So now we can look forward to that smell permeating everything, from subway cars to elevators. There will be no escaping that tantalizing fast food aroma, and it’s very hard to maintain your food snob composure under those kinds of conditions. I worry that I’ll fall prey to those skeevy guys that hang around strip malls as a result:
Guy: Why, hello there. What do you say we take a walk over to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, if you know what I’m saying?
Me: Dude, I don’t think so.
Guy: (comes closer) I might have something you need.
Me: Oh yeah? And what exactly would that be? (starting to notice a familiar meaty scent)
Guy: Right here in my pocket…
Me: Oh god... (covering eyes)
Guy: See? Double coupons to Burger King.
Me: Fuck, yeah! Ladies first.
I don’t need this kind of temptation around the holidays, so I hope Santa doesn’t get any ideas for stocking stuffers. Lay off the Flame, Santa, unless you plan on following up with the real thing. (And by real thing, I mean an actual Whopper.)