Remember the UPS Man

Have you ever made such a spectacular fool out of yourself that the more you try to explain, the worse it gets? 

Whenever this occurs (fairly frequently, I might add), it reminds me of the time I got my wisdom teeth pulled.  I was in my studio apartment in godforsaken Malden waiting for the Novocain to wear off when the UPS guy arrived.  He was cute and I was on pain meds, so I set about answering his delivery-related questions with much enthusiasm, forgetting, of course, that my mouth wasn’t working.  And, well, there’s no other way to put it…I sounded like I was retarded.  A retarded adult living alone with her two cats in a one-room, rent-controlled apartment in the middle of nowhere.  The more I thought about it, the more plausible it seemed.  And the more I gestured wildly about dental procedures and fumbled around for a pen and paper to clarify, the more he backed himself down the hallway, and the more I tried to sponge off the drool and reassure him that no, no, I’m actually not retarded, while sounding completely, 100% retarded. 

Someday, they’ll find an antidote for bruised pride—something better than time, which takes too long.  Until then, take my advice and remember the UPS man.  Shut your trap, and don’t open it again until you're alone with a plate of turnovers sitting in front of you.  Cranberry cardamom or fig with blue cheese and walnut, for example.  You’ll thank me later.

Cranberry Cardamom Turnovers

I love these as is, but one of you should put a little orange rind in there and see what happens.  For the fig version, simply slice fresh figs into thickish ovals (no pre-cooking required), overlap three or four to a turnover, dot with blue cheese (I wished I had used more), and sprinkle with chopped walnuts before sealing them up. 

Crust
2 cups flour
1 Tbsp. sugar
1 tsp. salt
12 Tbsp. cold unsalted butter, cut into cubes
10-12 Tbsp. ice water

Filling
1 cup cranberries
½ cup sugar
¼ cup water
½ tsp. cardamom

1 egg, beaten

For the crust, mix flour, sugar, and salt in food processor.  Add cold butter and pulse in 1-second beats until butter is the size of small peas (around 20 pulses).  Dump mixture into a large bowl and add ice water, a few tablespoons at a time, fluffing with a fork until gently absorbed.  You don’t want it wet and sticky, but if there’s too much dry flour, the dough won’t come together right.  It should just hold together when you press on it.  Don’t knead or it will become too tough.  Tear off two pieces of plastic wrap.  Dump half of the dough mixture in the middle of each, and flatten the mixture into disks (or rectangles or rhombi) about a half-inch thick, using the plastic wrap to help shape and compress them.  Wrap tightly and refrigerate until ready to use (or at least a half hour to let the gluten relax).

Meanwhile, in a small pot, bring cranberries, sugar, water, and cardamom to a boil and simmer on low, 15-20 minutes, until berries burst and thicken.  Let cool.

Preheat oven to 425°F.  Line sheet pans with parchment paper.  Flour your counter and rolling pin well (the dough shouldn’t stick at all).  Take one of the disks (keep the other refrigerated) and roll it out about ¼-inch thick.  Roll from the middle out in all directions.  Don’t grind the dough down into the counter—push it out to the sides.  If the dough sticks, sprinkle more flour.  A bench scraper comes in really handy for loosening stuck dough.

Cut dough into rectangles about 3 inches wide by 9 inches long, or whatever looks like a reasonable turnover size once you fold it in half.  Place filling on one side of dough, leaving space all around the perimeter to seal it up.  Fold dough over and press edges to seal.  If the dough doesn’t stick to itself, run a wet finger in between.  Crimp edges with a fork.  Cut steam vents in top crust with a knife.  Brush with beaten egg and set gently on parchment-lined pan.  Repeat with remaining dough (any leftover scraps can be gathered up and re-rolled).  Bake 15-20 minutes, until crust turns golden brown.  Let cool.  Makes about 12.

Comments

[Sarah]

RECIPE, woman!

[Ali]

What's up with posting a photo like that and no recipe? Fork it over!

Ali in Maine

[Husband]

I'll give you a recipe:

2 turnovers
2 strong drinks
Scrabble
kids are asleep
Wife needs one of your letters bad. Really bad.

You do the math.

[Joy]

I was just going to say that it's cruel and unusual punishment to put such drool-worthy pictures (and I, having no recent dental work, have no excuse other than being tantalized by the yumminess) up without a recipe! But, apparently, other lovely readers have beaten me to it!

[adele]

Oh dear. That's awful, but hilarious.

I have law students coming for dinner tomorrow. I haven't thought as far as dessert. The question is, do I like them enough to bake turnovers?

[Tammy]

Adele: That is always the question, isn't it?

Joy: Sorry about that. I wasn't entirely sure I still had readers.

Husband: 70-point word!!!

Ali: Well, if you're going to ask me so politely!

Sarah: Okay, okay.

[Everyone's a Winner]

Did you sound retarded, or more like Blair's cousin Geri from "The Facts of Life," who was not retarded, but sounded retarded?

[Zoë François]

These look absolutely wonderful! The flavors sound incredible. Lovely!

[Dana]

Thank you later? I think I'll thank you now -- both for the hilarious story and the awesome recipe.

[Joy]

Of course you still have readers!! We think you are fantastic, even if we are quiet. Thanks for the recipe.. I have a weakness for cardamom!!

[We Are Never Full]

these are like an amped-up, more delicious version of a pop tart. yum!

[Heather]

Ohhhh, but dang. But dang! Turnovers are my kryptonite. These ones, with a dollop of creme fraiche. Apple ones with sharp cheddar (or conversely, a drib of dulce de leche). I'll give you a foot massage and everything.

[Katie]

holy shit that looks good! i know what i'm baking this weekend.

[Tammy]

Katie: Hope you enjoy them!

Heather: Dulce de leche? Mother of god!

We Are Never Full: That's right. But so, so, so much better.

Joy: You're welcome. Cardamom has a special place in my heart, too.

Dana: Thanks for visiting!

Zoe Francois: Thanks for stopping by. Hey, I keep hearing great things about your bread book!

Everyone's a Winner: Sounded retarded, was retarded. It's all the same. Nothing inspires more confidence than a retarded person chasing you down shrieking that they're not retarded.

[Gabriel]

Interesting, very nice. Advice I read those articles and I decided to also contribute. I am of Slovak republic and I also site - a blog focusing on recipes for cooking. See. All good. Page to be translated through Google translate.
http://www.irecepty.com

[Nome]

I made these today, they are gorgeous. I only got 8 though, do you actually measure your dough, 'cos you do know dontcha that there are saddos like me out here who will use their son's homework ruler just to make sure! Also I'm a brit so I have to convert cups and tbsp, so it's probably all wrong anyhow. I ate the first one about one second out of the oven I was so greedy, centre like molten lava - delish!

[Lotta]

Well, I don't really view any human being as "retarded". Think it is an awful and stale old word. But that word aside, I guess that you by "retarded" refer to people with some type of developmental disability... I had no idea that human beings that may be categorized as such, sound a certain way...

Well, didn't fancy that story too much, but simply love your recipes, those pies etc. looks sooooo delicious... Looking out at my neighbor's rhubarb which is blossoming wildly, thinking that they should rather donate it all to me than let it stand there getting ruined... Heck, I could use some rhubarb pie with vanilla ice cream... Mmmmm.... Heavenly!!! :)

[Sometimestheycook.blogspot.com]

<3 this story.