Guess what somebody Googled the other day, the parameters of which brought them straight to my blog? Go on, guess. No, wait, you’ll never guess.
“How to fuck a squash”
I kid you not. And Food on the Food was number 1 out of 731,000!!! Hmmmm. I guess that’s what I get for being so loose with the four-letter words on my blog.
Really, guy, I’m sorry to disappoint you with my paltry information on the subject, but if you’re that determined, I’m pretty sure you can figure it out for yourself. Might I just suggest, however, that sex with an actual person is probably a whole lot more satisfying than sex with a vegetable. Though having not had sex with too many vegetables in my time, maybe I’m not the best person to ask. It’s just that squash tends not to be all that…animated. Usually. But I guess we’ve all had our dry spells. So, anyway, roasting it is probably better than raw, I’m guessing (maybe 400°F for an hour?). That should also make it easier to cut the hole. Letting it cool a bit is a good idea. (Men, let me know if I’m way off. I don’t know what you all do in your spare time.)
I’m really surprised this never came up in our squash usage brainstorm last winter.
Anyway, for those of you who came here looking for something slightly less pornographic, here’s something better you can do with your extra squash. Something very good, actually, from a blog you should know about. Something that will hopefully erase any mental images of violated gourds.
Well! Nothing surprises me anymore, but hey, at least they didn’t come from “Everybody hates Brazilians”.
At least your “weirdo” (being a tad judgmental here) was thinking about love, with a pumpkin. But I praise him for that. My motto is "make love don’t make war" even if you have to use a pumpkin.
Posted by: Anna | October 15, 2008 at 02:40 AM
Talk about cold and unresponsive.
May be my first wife's latest husband.
Posted by: ntsc | October 15, 2008 at 06:02 AM
I am not sure what's funnier, this blog or ntsc's comment!
Posted by: Kathy | October 15, 2008 at 09:32 AM
You just made my day.
Posted by: Alecto | October 15, 2008 at 09:35 AM
Alecto: It's comforting to know that I can throw all good judgment out the window and you won't hold it against me!
Kathy: ntsc's comment. Definitely!
ntsc: ...and I'm still laughing!
Anna: Ah, pumpkin love! You bring up a good point: hate crimes are unforgivable--much worse than crimes of the "heart." I just hope the squash gets something out of it.
Posted by: Tammy | October 15, 2008 at 09:52 AM
You know you're being awfully sexist here. Who says this is about penetration? Could be all about the phallus. I'm just sayin'.
Posted by: Jess | October 15, 2008 at 10:05 AM
I love pumpkin, but have mercy! Gotta love the internet!
Look at you being all helpful though giving instruction for future pumpkin love searchers. You may start a new following!
Posted by: April in CT | October 15, 2008 at 10:13 AM
Jess: Oh my god, it was YOU! You're the mystery Googler. Okay, let me try this again from a female perspective.
One word: delicata. No cooking required.
Posted by: Tammy | October 15, 2008 at 10:14 AM
April in CT: I'm just saying that if someone had to choose between deflowering a squash and, say, an apple pie, please, for the love of all that is holy, leave my pie alone.
Posted by: Tammy | October 15, 2008 at 10:21 AM
I took the liberty of having your dad's Internet access canceled for the next month or so.
Posted by: Pre-emptive | October 15, 2008 at 11:24 AM
I am suddenly overwhelmed by an incredible sense of relief at the fact that the item of produce most frequently associated with my blog is the kiwifruit. (Apparently a lot of people have no idea how to eat a kiwifruit.)
I don't think you can do anything obscene to a kiwifruit... not unless you're the intended target of all the enlargement spam, at least.
Posted by: adele | October 15, 2008 at 01:54 PM
Pre-emptive: Too late!
Posted by: Dad | October 15, 2008 at 05:38 PM
I was going to add something obscene and funny, but Jess's comment and your response just about covered it. Yep.
Posted by: Melissa | October 15, 2008 at 07:21 PM
We DO have a lot of extra squashes around here...
Hmmm...
Posted by: Husband | October 16, 2008 at 09:48 AM
Husband: I'll be sure to make a lot of noise before entering the kitchen from now on.
Melissa: I'm very disappointed!
Dad: Hi Dad!! So...what's new?
Adele: I don't know, I wouldn't get too comfortable. I'm quite sure something kiwi-related will come up.
Pre-emptive: Goddamn those cable people! Don't they ever come when they're supposed to?
Posted by: Tammy | October 16, 2008 at 01:50 PM
I came for amusement... and was satiated. Thanks :)
Posted by: lo! | October 16, 2008 at 03:47 PM
haha, your blog is hysterical!
Congrats on the ranking with that search term...:)
Posted by: Jennifer | October 16, 2008 at 04:44 PM
belated happy birthday! : ).
Posted by: weekendfarmer | October 16, 2008 at 08:59 PM