Things I Learned While on Vacation

• Life goes on without the Internet.  Seems impossible, but it’s true.  I swear I knew this prior to 2006, and yet, since then, the Internet has succeeded in luring me in with its promises of instant erections and weight loss that will finally render me invisible.  I was about as excited at the prospect of spending a week without an Internet connection as I would be about a week without oxygen.  There was a lot of hyperventilating and thrashing about, but once I got the hang of breathing without it, I did learn something.  That the Internet is bad.  Very bad.  It is the enemy of balance and moderation and all that is reasonable in this world.  It promotes excess and narcissism, self-indulgence and voyeurism, and as far as this freedom of speech thing is concerned, no good will ever come of it.  No more Internet for me.  (kisses keyboard with tongue: afgrugihdsdgnvasdiufhg)

• From now on, all of my showers will be taken in the great outdoors.  How cold could winter be, anyway?  There’s just something about the hot water and the cool breezes and the open skies above and, in a surprise twist this year, the lack of a door.  I’m afraid I may have to give up showering altogether if I’m going to be limited to a tiny, airless room.  I won't tell you how many outdoor showers I took over the course of one week, my green friends, but more than my share.  Many more than my share.

• I discovered that one of my sons is not mine.  At breakfast one morning, the younger one said something to the effect of: turn off the bacon, I can’t hear the birds singing.  Wha?

• Drying your clothes on a clothesline isn’t always the best choice for the environment.  Not when a midnight thunderstorm leaves your garments waterlogged, so you end up having to put them in the dryer in the morning anyway, but then you forget to take them out before you lock up at checkout time, and you only realize this after you’ve driven away.  And you have to make two round trips over many miles, over several hours, wasting countless gallons of expensive gas, in the hopes of catching the cleaning crew so you don’t have to spend even more money paying Chinese children to sew you some new ones.  Of course, you might not have this problem if you’re not a moron.

We’re not home yet, but en route.  Which means those cats better not still be there when we get back.  And do you know what I’m looking forward to most about returning home?  All those cabinets I have to finish.  Yaaaayyyyyy!!

Comments

[Holly]

Thanks for the laugh - "turn off the bacon" - rofl!!

[Karen]

Re 1: I intend to never find out whether I can live without the Internet; I had a high-speed connection at my Cape rental last week.
Re 2: I'm with you here; I showered in the outside shower (albeit with a door) every day and love-love-loved it. You forgot to mention the part about nothing to clean at the end of the week.

[Sally]

Welcome home!

[Deanna]

Tammy! it's good to have you back!

The internet loooooves you. :D

I'm almost certain your kid meant "Turn down the bacon because I want it chewy not crispy" because no human could think about voluntarily being without the greasy yummyness. Either that or you have alien spawn on your hands. For that I'd contact Area 51.

Only have 2 months left until I get to go to the Cape, although when you live in Philly (used to be in CT, though! Down here for school.) no one understands that you don't mean Cape May. (EW!!!!)

[Mary]

Perhaps you should try having an open window in your bathroom shower. We have one that's high enough up that no one can see in and I'm constantly annoying my husband by opening it up.

Oh yeah, and I think he's told me to turn up the bacon.

[cookiecrumb]

You can have my showers. I'm not using them. I have trained myself not to sweat. That, and not having a life.

[NurseJen]

The only thing I can think of better than showering outdoors is showering outdoors while eating bacon (taking great care to keep the bacon out of the shampoo...)

[Tammy]

NurseJen: So true. But then I'd have nothing to look forward to in my old age.

CC: You're so green, you make Kermit the Frog look positively Caucasian. (Thanks for the showers!)

Mary: Your husband is right. There's only one way to turn bacon, and that's up.

Deanna: Chewy, not crispy? Are you insane? Whoa, sorry! I got a little carried away there. But, ARE YOU INSANE? It must be crispy. CRISPY!

Sally: Thanks, Sally!

Karen: Yeah, but we had to leave the place broom-clean when we left. If I have to pick up a broom, I consider that cleaning. Yay for outdoor showers! Boo for the Internet. (Just kidding, Internet. Hold me.)

Holly: The Toddler told me to tell you he's here all week.

[Sis]

Glad to hear you showered. Cause I'll be seeing you in a few days.

[Barry Foy]

"Turn off the bacon; I can't hear the birds singing."

If I could come up with lines like that, I'd have a Nobel Prize by now. Quick, patent that child!

[Michele]

Ditto and Amen on the outdoor shower!! Every time I have ever stayed at the beach, I think I enjoyed the shower as much as the beach. I seriously considered building one in my current non-beach house, but couldnt get the contractor (or my city-boy husband) to take me seriously.
Ah, someday.

[Jess]

My attempts at Internet Intervention:
1: Go to Scotland where you have to pay 2GBP for 30 minutes, timed with an egg timer. Discover single malt scotch, Loch Ness (no monsters), the North Sea (sssoooo ccccold), and that brits drown their lovely green salads in mayonnaise.

2: Go to the woods and camp with people who know the difference between a martini and a gibson. Discover new insects, low tolerance for jingle belts, and books (you know, the ones with pages you turn and drip martini sweat on).

Outdoor showers help with the DTs.

[Husband]

Unfortunately, our kindly neighbors fed and watered the cats. And administered hairball medicine. Both cats survived. Bah!

[Life does *not* go on without the Internet]

Don't you ever speak that way about the Internet again. If life goes on without it, it is certainly not one I wish to live.

[adele]

Life without Internet.

Life. Without. Internet.

Does not compute.

(Child of the computer age - who, me?)

[Tammy]

Adele: Was there even life BI (Before Internet)? There were spider webs, I guess.

*not*: Don't let its promises suck you in. They're lies. All lies. (Except my blog, which is a shining beacon of truth.)

Husband: Maybe next year will be your year.

Jess: Those are some good intervention ideas. I like the Scotland one a lot, but I'm wary of camping. Nature scares me. Though a gibson would probably help (I'll bring the pearl onions).

Michele: Press on. It's a noble cause.

Barry Foy: I wish I could come up with stuff like that, too.

Sis: Yay!!