I’ve been putting this off for a while. It’s hard to see the point of a pointless conversation with your stupid shrink when you don’t even have a problem. Doesn’t everyone fall in love with their farmer? And, if not, why not? Have you no heart/taste buds?
But, Dr. Typepad doesn’t appreciate it when I blow off our appointments, and he keeps charging me anyway, so here I am. Maybe, if things go well, he’ll fix my little banner problem on my About page someday.
Him: So, how have things been going since our last visit?
Me: (whispering) This room isn’t bugged, is it?
Him: Everything you say here is completely confidential.
Me: Okay, phew. So, I’m still in love.
Him: You don’t say.
Me: Here’s what I’ve tried so far. Avoiding eye contact. Oh, and running away from any attempt at conversation. Making up crazy stories in my head. Even burning everything I cook. Nothing’s working.
Him: Have you considered talking to anyone about your feelings?
Me: What? NO. Feelings are stupid. I hate feelings.
Him: Crushes are completely normal.
Me: A crush? (snorts) What am I, twelve? Don’t answer that.
Him: Crushes don’t discriminate by age or marital status.
Me: Stop trying to trick me! So, what are my options? Besides talking, I mean. Because no one is telling anybody jack shit.
Him: Well, you could wait it out.
Me: You mean, do nothing?
Him: Not nothing, exactly. You would consciously try not to do anything that might encourage your crush.
Me: So, like, don’t bring the Farmer cookies?
Him: Right. Do you bring him cookies?
Me: No. Pffft. What do I look like, the town prostitute? God. But, so, what if that still doesn’t work?
Him: You could always quit the CSA.
Me: What? No. They already cashed my check for the summer.
Him: I bet they’d refund your money.
Me: You’re a horrible, horrible man, and I hate you. (storms out)
Something tells me my banner isn’t going to get fixed anytime soon.
uhmmm,quitting the CSA is NOT an option. You need a new therapist. I hear Dr. Wordpress has some openings.
Posted by: Tempered Woman | February 26, 2008 at 09:14 AM
Tempered Woman: I know. That’s the worst advice I’ve ever heard in my life. I bet he’s not even a real doctor. Probably got his degree online.
Posted by: Tammy | February 26, 2008 at 09:35 AM
I asked Dr. Typepad about your problem and HE says that you should look at it from a couple different angles: 1) maybe The Farmer secretly has a crush on you and is struggling to cope with it (could explain why he hides sometimes) and, 2) at least you have a crush on a wholesome food provider... someone who fixes you up with good-for-you food, rather than, say, someone who makes penuche.
Posted by: Ann | February 26, 2008 at 10:58 AM
Ann: Why is Dr. Typepad giving you all the good answers and me all the shitty ones? To respond: 1) He doesn't really hide (rumor has it there's a lot of work to be done on a farm), but nice try! 2) Good point about the wholesome food angle. That's the silver lining. I could have a crush on the Hamburglar.
Posted by: Tammy | February 26, 2008 at 01:48 PM
I started to ask Dr. Typepad about why he is so inconsistent but it degenerated into a pout session when I pointed out that your blog has a cleaner look than my blog and asked him what THAT was about. He cancelled the session and muttered something about all of us "ungrateful foodbloggers."
Posted by: Ann | February 26, 2008 at 03:32 PM
When my son was a little guy and I was a stayathome, I had the HUGEST crush on a guy who sold at one of our local farmer's markets. For years. I think I even brought him zucchini bread once... anyway, we ate well.
Posted by: lisa | February 26, 2008 at 10:42 PM
You mean you could have a crush on Mayor McCheese.
Dr. Blogger is pretty lax with the 'scrip pad. Just sayin'.
Posted by: Heather | February 27, 2008 at 12:45 AM
Heather: Touche! And, yes, I've heard that about Dr. Blogger (plus, free insurance coverage). I could use a few Maturity Injections before tomorrow's pickup, that's for sure.
Lisa: Years? Crushes can last that long? Excellent. I mean, crap.
Ann: We are ungrateful. Although I don't know what you're talking about -- I think your blog looks great. I only have that narrow middle column because otherwise my posts would be, like, three lines long.
Posted by: Tammy | February 27, 2008 at 10:31 AM
I'm just sayin' you're being a great sport about taking this abuse from your obviously jealous therapist. He simply wants you all for his own and is jealous of the time you spend waxing poetic about "boring old veggies."
The rest of us get it, we're right there with you. In fact we share your love, but will never EVER try to share your farmer (for fear of bodily harm).
The reason there's no CSA-AA? Some addiction can be good. And by good I mean tasty.
Posted by: Deanna | February 27, 2008 at 11:54 AM
My dearest Ann:
As you may know, I am retired "educator" with a PhD in psychology from a VERY reputable institution. My wife (many years my junior, if that interest you) is a psychiatric nurse.
I would be pleased to offer you my services, free of charge, should you feel they would be of help to you. Unrequited love is a VERY difficult issue to grapple with and your current therapist seems woefully unable to help you.
I can be contacted in confidence at reellady2@yahoo.com
Posted by: DocChuck | February 27, 2008 at 12:52 PM
DocChuck: Thank goodness, a REAL professional. Except my name is Tammy. T-A-M-M-Y. Can you solve my problem in three sentences or less? If so, you're hired.
Deanna: Yes. You totally get it. And thanks for calling out my therapist in his not-so-subtle attempt to hit on me. I mean, how inappropriate can you be?
Posted by: Tammy | February 27, 2008 at 01:34 PM