We’re going to play a new game today. It’s called Who Wants to Be a Moron? Specifically, more of a moron than me.
The rules go like this: I present a scenario in which I’m a moron. HUGE moron. And you, dear readers, come up with situations in which you were an even bigger moron. The bigger, the better. I don’t really care how this happens. Lying totally works.
The object of the game is to make me feel better, to make you feel worse, and for me to be able to call you all morons behind your backs. Character doesn’t build itself, people.
Today, we’re focusing on one particular act of supreme stupidity. The time, not two hours ago, when I stood up our good friends for dinner. Stood them up at our own house. To which they brought a lovingly prepared appetizer. As well as their two hungry children.
Awesome.
I have a legitimately good reason for not being there to greet them. Namely, that I’m dumb. My calendar also shape-shifts at will. In fact, it’s not so much a calendar as a Sudoku puzzle that I, not being much of a numbers person, insist on filling in with letters as if it were a crossword puzzle, so that even the shrewdest of Navajo Code Talkers can’t make any sense out of it. Add to that the fact that I never know what day it is (note to self: check your own blog). Then there’s all the hard drugs. But all good reasons aside, there was still no one home when they arrived.
So, back to the game. Anyone screwed their friends worse than this? Do tell. And did they forgive you? And how much did it cost?
As for prizes, well, the award of choice on the blogosphere seems to be a bacon wallet. As AWESOME as this prize is, I don’t have any to give away. When I woke up this morning, procuring game show prizes wasn’t tops on my list of things to do as I was too busy readying myself to be an asshole.
Based on the evidence you provide in my comment section, if you’re declared The Biggest Moron Of All Time and you feel you deserve, at the very least, a bacon wallet for your trouble, I suggest you take some bacon and wrap it around your existing wallet. You’ll thank me in approximately 36 hours, if not sooner.
Who Wants to Be a Moron? will, I’m sure, become a recurring feature, so you might not want to unload all of your stupidity at once. If you do, I’ll feel great today, but just plain suicidal down the road when my comment section is painfully empty and I’m wrapping bacon around my own wallet. So, pace yourselves.
On your mark, get set, GO.
I got about 3/4's through the post reading "Mormon" and not "Moron". I was so confused I sent the page to my sister see if she could firgure out what anything had to do with Mormons. LOL. Either I am really, really tired or I qualify as a bigger moron than you.
Posted by: Karen | November 12, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Oh, Tammy - don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone does stupid stuff from time to time. I'm sure they've totally forgiven you by now (if for no other reason than to get you off the phone and stop apologizing!).
Posted by: Sally | November 12, 2007 at 09:16 AM
I will be the first to say that my wife is indeed a big Mormon.
Posted by: Husband | November 12, 2007 at 09:44 AM
Husband: Well, except for the swearing. And the drinking. And the church-avoidance.
Sally: You're talking the talk, but not walking the walk. I need examples. Proof.
Karen: We'll try Who Wants to be a Mormon? next week. I wonder where they stand on bacon wallets?
Posted by: Tammy | November 12, 2007 at 12:49 PM
Long time lurker here, first time commenting. I have quite the repertoire to pull from as far as moronic acts. But, in the spirit of meal related moronic acts; I once showed up at a potluck with a beautiful dish of enchiladas. And I was hungry! Unfortunately, the pot luck was the previous day. And my unsuspecting hosts were busy recovering from said potluck/party.
I can't wait till the next installment of "Who wants to be a moron?"
Brenda
Posted by: Brenda | November 13, 2007 at 12:58 PM
Well, it looks like I'm the winner of my own Moron Contest. Brenda put up a good fight, but in the end, showing up with enchiladas after the fact is better than never showing up at all. And without enchiladas. God, I could go for some enchiladas right now.
I don't know how I could have attracted such a smart readership. Frankly, I think you're all a bunch of liars, but there's still time to be stupid before our next installment of Who Wants to Be a Moron? In the meantime, I don't think anyone is going to be stealing my wallet anytime soon.
Posted by: Tammy | November 13, 2007 at 09:55 PM
Sorry to admit great pleasure in your snafu, but this post sealed your spot in my blogroll. I laughed out loud as I read it to my hubs, and felt self-righteous at not having stood up my friends at my own dinner party. Ahhh...schadenfreude...
Posted by: bri | November 13, 2007 at 10:39 PM
I think perhaps the most deserving recipient of the bacon wallet would be the friends who showed up to an empty house...with two starving children...who had to be mollifed by promises of candy and TV at home.
Who's with me?!!!
Posted by: jilted | November 14, 2007 at 04:10 PM
Jilted: Still mad, then?
How's about a bacon wallet AND an assortment of bacon mints...
Bri: You just wait. Stupidity strikes when you least expect it.
Posted by: Tammy | November 14, 2007 at 05:47 PM
Well, to start with, I am late for the contest, but, so what? I was born a month late ( and believe me, I heard about that all my life, too!).
I got you beat easy on many days. How about flying your Mother from California to Texas, the Woman Fearful of Flying, and nagging her to pieces on the phone about making the switch for the planes at Denver- I went so far as to have a stewardess walk my Mom to the other plane ( and no, we will NOT discuss how much extra verbiage I got for that stunt from She Who Gave Me Life). Mom made the first plane, flew terrifed into a storm in Denver, made the connection and arrived in another storm at DFW airport and I wasn't there to pick her up.
That's right, I was sleeping, home, snug in Dreamland.
Until the phone rang. And I spoke with the airline people who had a rather tipsy She Who Had Given Me Life in the lounge as she was freaked out about being abandoned in a strange state, so the airline people bought her vodka and 7 up's until I got there.
Want to guess how fast you drive in the rain to pick up your Mother, the Poor Little Old Lady who you thought was flying in tomorrow?
No matter what I said, no matter how contrite, the disapproval level at the airport was heavier than the thunderstorm from all the airline people- even the guy at the curb when I asked "is this the closest entrance for XX gate?" said you must be the daughter of that poor sweet lady in there!
No kidding- DFW was smaller in those days, but I swear they had radio'ed all over the dang airport- probably announced on the outgoing planes" Folks, don't forget and leave your aged parents abandoned in airports, it ain't nice!".
I got you beat, honey. Oh yeah.....
Suzy, who never forgot to pick her Mother up again.
Posted by: Suzy | November 27, 2007 at 04:48 AM
Oh yeah, Suzy won. No question! (We once got stood up at the airport - we were arriving at like 12:10 AM [let's say Sunday] and our ride had it in his head that we were arriving Sunday *night* instead of *just barely Sunday early morning*.
I haven't done anything like this, but I have had people stand me up because the woman went into labor. This happened so regularly for awhile that I started offering my services to women who were tired of waiting :^)
Posted by: Tricia | September 25, 2008 at 10:33 PM