Last week, I made a dentist appointment for myself for today, Halloween. It’s not as dumb as it sounds. It means it’s been exactly 365 days since my last candy overdose, while simultaneously being the maximum amount of time one should procrastinate between dental visits. It’s also exactly T minus 6 hours until my next candy overdose.
I can hardly wait!
The day after Halloween would be the worst possible time for a dental visit. The flurry of candy wrappers bursting forth from my purse as I attempted to locate my insurance card would only be the beginning. The dentist would then have to chisel through the hard candy coating on my face just to get to my mouth. Although, I’ll admit, it would be fun to see his reaction to the possibility that I might have developed cavities in ALL of my teeth since my last visit.
“Dear God,” he would gasp at my pearly blacks.
“Trick,” I’d shout, trying to annunciate around the emergency medical tools in my mouth. “Just licorice.”
Then, he’d floss out entire candy bars from between my teeth: Kit Kats, Twixes, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
“Oh, so that’s where you’ve been hiding, you bad boys,” I’d quip.
The dentist, ruing the day he spent top dollar on dental school, would not be laughing. “Well, at least you managed somehow to remove all evidence of the NECCO Wafers,” he’d finally concede.
“What? No,” I’d reply, deadly serious. “Those are disgusting.”
Disgusting, I guess, is in the eye of the beholder.