As promised, a REAL citizen’s petition. Don’t worry, it’s short by FDA standards, so maybe they won’t fall asleep reading it like I did with the original one drafted by the Grocery Manufacturer’s Association (GMA). Feel free to sign it, add your own provisions, or just stamp it with your own butt cheeks.
To the FDA
To Uphold Standards for Food
(Not Shitty Standards)
On behalf of the other citizens of this country (i.e., those that have no professional or financial ties to the food manufacturing industry), I am submitting this petition to the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).
Leave the chocolate alone. It’s bad enough that half the cheese being sold as cheese in this country contains no actual cheese. If the same thing happens to chocolate, I might as well run myself over with my own car. As soon as I figure out how to do that.
Other things to leave alone include, but are not limited to: whole milk, all remaining actual cheese, yogurt, sour cream, Hood ice cream sandwiches (white paper wrapper and all), Gorton’s fish tenders (because I love them), Ben & Jerry’s ice cream (ditto), Grape-Nuts (shut up, they’re awesome with whole milk), Goldfish (or my kids will kill you), Cinnamon Life (or my husband will kill you), Fig Newtons (or my husband will kill you in a slow and painful fashion).
Also, you might want to consider giving our livestock a bit more wiggle room, maybe even reduce their poison intake. Perhaps offer sharper and more sanitary blades over which to drag the still-conscious poultry. Things like that. As far as the standards for food in the public schools are concerned, I’ve drafted a separate 64-page citizen’s petition for that. Keep an eye out.
STATEMENT OF GROUNDS
Real food is delicious. Fake food is not.
Real food is nutritious. Fake food is not.
The human race has been able to sustain itself for hundreds, maybe even thousands, of years by eating wholesome food. Fake food has no such track record.
Admittedly, using real ingredients in food instead of the myriad cheap substitutes the GMA proposes may cost more in the short term. Using healthy ingredients is, apparently, more expensive than fabricating fake ones. Also, we may find ourselves eating less real food by volume because we’re just so darned satisfied. But think of all the money that insurance companies will save by serving a healthy populace. This is really going to help my argument, I can just feel it.
There’s been talk by the FDA and the GMA of both vertical and horizontal approaches to modernizing the country’s food standards. Blah, blah, blah...I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Plus, I don’t trust either of you. Therefore, I’m proposing a diagonal approach, whereby I draw a line from a small farm directly to my house, bypassing all of you people, so that I may have a prayer of understanding what the hell is on my plate.
Also, the GMA’s argument that consumers won’t know the difference between the real ingredients and their cheap substitutes is more than a little insulting. Even though I am marginally retarded, I have quite the clever palate. And even if I didn’t, how dare you take advantage of retarded people.
Just give me the food, man. No substitutes.
Anyway, I certify that, to the best of my knowledge, this petition represents my own stream of consciousness, and that, although it doesn’t include the opposing viewpoint, neither did the original petition. And reading that crap was punishment enough.