As I was perusing the archives of the Devil’s Food Dictionary, my favorite primary source for fact-checking the lies on my web site, I was reminded of author Barry Foy’s definition of tuna. Here’s an excerpt: “Excellent raw, cooked in any way, or canned, this sleek, majestic, powerful animal is so delicious that we have decided not to waste any of it on future generations.”
That’s pretty funny, I thought. Which reminded me that I was hungry. And that I could really go for some sea bass. But, I wasn’t sure what the status of current fish stocks are. Supplies of sea bass were dwindling some years back, but is it okay to eat them, again? What about now?
So, I had this idea to help people like me keep tabs on their favorite (i.e., most delicious) creatures. A giant thermometer, like in fundraisers, where the mercury rises feverishly as supplies run low. It seems counterintuitive, at first. But, see, as stocks begin disappearing, demand naturally skyrockets. And with the mercury soaring, you would then feel the overwhelming urge to rush to your nearest restaurant to get your final, forbidden taste of the food in question before it’s taken off menus for good. And if you time it just right, you could be the one responsible for the final DING-DING-DING and subsequent explosion of confetti that accompanies the extinction announcement.
For example, according to my market research (i.e., the BBC’s spectacular Blue Planet series), there are amazing species of fish and fishlike eel things in the depths that no one’s even heard of, never mind tasted. This would barely register at the bottom of the thermometer. However, for something like cheetah burgers, the mercury would shoot up and hover just shy of joyful dinging, with statisticians at the ready to compile a McDonald’s-like tabulation of the total patties served.
Kind of like this:
Or would that be in poor taste?