Dear Dunkin’ Donuts:
Okay, DD (can I call you that for short, now?), your time is up. It has now been a very generous 60 days since my last letter and, still, your doughnuts are crap. I take this to mean that you have no intention of improving your doughnuts and that, in fact, you were mocking me with your earlier letter.
Fine. Two can play that game.
Actually, I stink at that game. So, I’ll make a deal with you. Hand over the recipe for your original chocolate honey-dipped doughnuts, and I’ll stop with the letters. If you’re not using it, you might as well donate it to a worthy cause. And I can think of no cause more worthy than me: she who represents the doughnut-loving population you ignore.
To sweeten the deal, I’ll even help you rename your coffee franchise to something more appropriate. Something that takes the emphasis off the edible doughnuts you no longer possess. I’ve already begun brainstorming. To keep signage costs low, I’ve made every effort to build off of the existing words. As a gesture of goodwill, here’s a sampling of what I’ve come up with so far:
For college towns: Flunkin’ Donuts
Urban enclaves: Ain’t Dunkin’ No Donuts
Professional office buildings: Junk ‘n Joe…Nuts!
Everywhere else: Just Coffee, OK. What Do We Look Like, Rosie’s Bakery Or Something?
And while you’re at it, if you happen to have the original recipe for Chock Full o’ Nuts’ whole wheat doughnuts, I’ll take that, too. Thanks.