Oooooo, my first, and perhaps my last, meme. For your reading pleasure, here they are: Five Things Most People Don’t Know About Me.
1. When I was [redacted] years old, I used to sing less-than-tuneful songs to the squirrels in my backyard, whom I named Buffy and Muffet. My repertoire included show tunes, patriotic anthems, jazz standards. It didn’t matter. Judging by the performances currently taking place at our house during “potty hour,” I can see that this gene has been propagated in all its glory.
2. I was in the pep squad in high school, also known as cheerleading-for-smart-girls. Apparently, this is not as much fun to watch.
3. I once ate three boxes of Samoas in one sitting. Then again, who hasn’t?
(By the way, I’m talking about Samoas, not Caramel “deLites.” The former were much, much better. Must have been that sprinkling of delicious racism. Plus the fact that groove is in the heart, not a box of cookies. Stupid Girl Scouts.)
4. I went through most of college thinking I was a biology major. This made no sense whatsoever.
5. In addition to wearing braces, I also wore a retainer, a headgear, and a god-awful invention called “The Bionator.” Contrary to the name, it didn’t make me bionically strong (unless emotional resilience is a muscle that can be flexed). Instead, this hellish contraption clamped your front teeth and bottom teeth together over a series of tortuous months, thereby bringing your lower jaw forward (while simultaneously setting all social progress backwards).
Now, my jaw makes a horrendous popping/crackling/ exploding noise whenever I chew. I have the following conversation almost everyday:
Stranger: What’s that sound?
Me: What sound?
Stranger: Like a jackhammer, but coming from your mouth.
Me: Oh, it’s probably my TMJ.
Stranger: Oh, okay. I thought there were chunks of cement in your yogurt.
Sometimes, my jaw unexpectedly locks up in a most painful fashion. Unable to call for help, I’m forced to fling myself against the wall over and over with great force until it unlocks. And then comfort my crying children.